the race is wonderful. the experiences are out of this world. the joy & beauty you get to see keep you going, but to be honest it’s not perfect. it’s not easy. life sucks sometimes & questions go unanswered. so this blog is my rant & prayer to God these last few days.
we’ve been in dance bars trying to talk to the girls. we’ve been prayer walking through tibetan refugee camps/settlements/neighborhoods/ whatever you want to call them cause they’ve been here for 2-3 generations but still have no place to call home. i’m mad & i’m confused. so here’s my inner dialogue/journal entries from this last week:
we sit in a smoky, loud, over stimulating dance bar eating fries & drinking fanta as we watch girls in almost nothing dance for tips on a stage. i begin to pray out loud with katy & kj, but what do you say? do you say come Lord Jesus, come quickly & save your lost children? do you say come Lord Jesus, come quickly and punish the men giving into their lust and sinful ways?
as you look at the young girls who are covering their pain & sorrow with alcohol & fake smiles, you begin to feel what it’s like for your heart to break for the Lord’s children. you start to see a deeper pain in the world & your eyes are opened to something they’ve never fully understood.
you begin conversations with some of the girls hoping to encourage them & show them love, but what do you say to a young woman who has spent years studying for her dream job only to be forced to turn to anything that could give her money after suddenly losing both of her parents & having to step up & provide for her younger siblings?
why God have you chosen me & not them? why am i privileged to live in the shadow of your protection while others aren’t? how can you, a holy & just God, look down on this perversion of justice & exploitation of the weak? these people cry for help, they cry out & don’t understand why they’ve been dealt this life. do you hear them? why am i being shown these iniquities? what am i to do about them? i don’t understand.
“look among the nations and watch – be utterly astounded! for I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you.” – habakkuk 1:5
i sit on top of a hill surrounded by buddhist prayer flags. from a distance they seem to decorate the town being drenched in rain, but as you get closer to see the prayers written on them things change. thousands of unanswered prayers for longevity, for fullness of life, for health hang everywhere you look. hundreds of buddha statues paint the walls of the temples. an oddly empty feeling begins to surround you.
you glance to the left & see a pile of stone tablets. after looking closer you see it’s a graveyard where all the dead names are written and placed in the pile to honor them. i just see the devil’s attendance list. you hear the horns begin to sound & see people spinning dreidel like things for their prayers to be heard by their gods.
“for it was indeed fitting that we should have such a high priest, holy, innocent, unstained, separated from sinners, and exalted above the heavens. He has no need, like those high priests, to offer sacrifices daily, first for his own sins and then for those of the people, since he did this once for all when he offered up himself. for the law appoints men in their weakness as high priests, but the word of the oath, which came later than the law, appoints a Son who has been made perfect forever.” – hebrews 7:26-28
i continue to walk through the streets & begin to cry. not only are these people lost physically (with no country recognizing them as citizens or really as human beings), they are also desperately lost spiritually. i turn on music to be my prayer because i’m lost for words & the lyrics from ‘a gift’ by josh garrels become my prayer on repeat.
“those who dwell in dark will see the light
perfect love has found a way
to be the just and justifier of
those who call Your name by faith, Jesus
you came and gave yourself away
you are, the only one there is
only by Your blood can we be saved
oh Lord, it’s all a gift, from You.”
why God is the world the way it is? why are the weak exploited? why are the rich & mighty men of this world preying on the lost? no one likes this but honestly God i’m fucking pissed & over it. i refuse to sit idly by & just let the sinful nature of man run rampant in this world. jesus came to save, came to redeem & He is alive today. i pray for your presence to fill the ugly, detestable places in this world. i pray for your saving & loving nature to fill the lost & exploited & just cover them with your wings of protection.
maybe the next blog will be happier, but this is where i’m at. thanks for reading.
madeleine
