Okay, the title was a joke. I didn’t actually cause anything, but it’d be nice to have at least something to blame. Anyways, I’m going to do a quick little flashback to the middle of November. I was failing (miserably) at a pathetic balancing act between studying for tests, college applications, track meets, hanging out with my friends, seeing my family, working, fundraising, finishing my homework, going back to dance, and keeping up with my laundry. I called my boyfriend one night all teary-eyed (hey Brailen!) after my third breakdown in four days, and I distinctly remember saying “I just wish everything would stop for a few weeks while I catch my breath.”
Yeah, that didn’t age well.
Aaaaand, cut scene. Back to now. It’s currently 11:00 on a would-be school night, and instead of having my backpack all nice and neatly packed for the next day (actually, who am I kidding – I never would’ve done that in the first place), I have miscellaneous notebooks and papers strewn from one corner of my room to the other. My screen time has gone up to approximately 7 hours and 56 minutes a day, and I’m not particularly proud to admit that at least a third of it is spent on TikTok, but I’ll say it in the name of vulnerability. Going to Target kind of feels like a vacation, and I’ve realized why my dog gets so excited when we take her on walks. I also think I’ve started to get a tan from my laptop screen, but if that doesn’t work, I have a bottle of the fake stuff I borrowed from a friend to use tomorrow night.
I keep trying to wrap my head around how quickly everything’s changed in the past month, but every time I try and think about it, it doesn’t feel real. It’s kind of like going downstairs into your living room past midnight – reality’s somewhat altered and nothing feels quite right. If you asked me a month ago what “zoom” was, I would’ve definitely thought you were trying to impersonate a car. Right now though, it’s honestly the little stuff that I’m starting to miss. Yeah, not having a senior prom sucks. But what also sucks is that I sat down in the cafeteria with all my friends for the last time without knowing it and I didn’t even buy the freakin’ mozzarella sticks that day. I won’t ever get to do that half-wave half-head nod again to the people that I know enough to say hi to but not enough to stop and have a conversation with. I might not even get to see them again. I won’t ever get to run my last-ever lap in the 4×800 at states, and I won’t ever get to leave second block early to get that $2 vanilla iced coffee from 7-11 with my friends again (sorry mom). We got a call on an innocent Thursday night, and just like that, it was over. No heads-up or any goodbyes or anything. Just when I was getting to the good stuff – and I think that’s what hit me the hardest.
Am I selfish for being upset? I know that I have so much to be grateful for. I still have a job and I can work to stay busy. Nobody I know personally has gotten sick, and I’m getting to spend some unprecedented time with my family before I leave for 9 months (and then, subsequently, college). I got what I wanted all the way back in November – my life’s basically come to a complete stop. Maybe I’ll eventually come to appreciate the slowness of life the past few weeks. Currently, though, as a “go” kind of person who gets twitchy when I don’t have any sort of arbitrary plan for the day, I feel like I’m wasting (arguably) “the best years of my life”. A quarantined extrovert – I’m basically a living oxymoron. Or would it be a case of situational irony? I’d give anything for an English class right now. I want to major in communications but somehow I’ve already needed to google like 7 words to make sure I’m using them in the right context. It is what it is, as they say.
I don’t think everything’s settled in enough for me to do a thought-out, well written reflection on what ‘graduating high school’ feels like (if you could even call it that). I’m waiting for someone to jump out of my closet (maybe a little too far, sure, but I’d take anything at this point) and say “happy late April Fools Day, set your alarm for 6 AM tomorrow.” I’m definitely still upset, and getting out of that “poor me” mindset is hard. I’m working on trying to be grateful for what I do have, and I know that I’m not alone – there’s around 3.7 million other high school seniors going through it with me.
Looking on the bright side, at least – with all this extra time, I think I’ll learn how to cook something other than scrambled eggs and ramen. Maybe I might get a little crazy and organize my closet. Maybe I’ll learn how to embroider, or get strong enough to do 10 pushups in a row (I can’t right now, and it’s pathetic, I know). First, though, I need to start getting myself out of bed before ten.
