In September of 2018 I had the absolute joy of saying “yes” to the man I get to spend the rest of my life with. Three short weeks after our engagement I left to go on the WorldRace.
Eric and I met 6 months prior to me leaving – trust me, it was not in “my plan” to meet my future husband shortly before I was leaving the country for a year, but God has a funny sense of humor and his timing is… well is his timing 🙂
Throughout the year, I wrote down what we learned about how to communicate and love one another from so far, for so long. I wanted to compile it all in one place and have this serve as a resource for any racer or person in the future who might take on the same challenge we did.
Eric and I grew IMMENSELY this year as individuals and as a couple. There are so many categories and topics that I could talk about, but I will just share with you the ones that stand out to me the most.
From Maddie (The person going) –
- We had to learn how to share our limited time on the phone. It sounds simple – but one person might need more time to talk and process and share (usually me), while the other listens. It’s important to recognize what you each need and respond with grace.
- This felt sort of scary at first, but we had to essentially “re-learn” how to love one another, while not being in person. For example, one of my love languages is words of affirmation. Eric had the super sweet idea of keeping matching journals for one another, writing to each other weekly, throughout the year. We shared our gratitude, sometimes asked fun or deep questions, wrote letters, and talked about the same books we were reading. But this act alone – written words, made me feel so loved.
- We had no choice but to be willing to learn about things we either view differently or have vastly different experiences in. For example, there was one month on the field where we were able to attend classes on spiritual gifts and we were challenged to practice them – Eric and I had never even talked about that topic before, so we learned to recognize and respect our different understandings of certain topics.
- On the race, we operate and communicate with different vocabulary
(grief, debrief, process, talk to God, ATL, word picture, “heavy,” spiritual warfare, giving a word, revelation, dolphin vs. whale, team time, pressing in, etc.). Each squad probably develops their own vocabulary and might use similar words, but they were not words I was familiar with before the race. It was so fun to see and hear Eric’s vocabulary merge with mine as a result of sharing and describing experiences.
- We discovered the value in allowing one another the space to either process or problem solve – discerning which was necessary in any given conversation was so helpful. There would be times where I would jump into “fix it and make it better mode,” and Eric just needed someone to talk to and listen, he didn’t need an answer. We have since been able to communicate this prior to having conversations, with a: “hey, I just want to process this.”
- At some point throughout your months on the field I bet you will either be on a co-ed team, or serving/living in a co-ed setting. Establishing boundaries and talking about realistic expectations to respect and honor your significant other are imperative. For example, I was team lead for a co-ed team, and Eric and I had set boundaries within our relationship where we don’t spend alone time with people of the opposite sex. However, in this situation, for me, it was unavoidable. Part of being a team lead was taking time out to love and serve each of my teammates in the ways they needed – which for some of my teammates, was quality time. It was awesome that my guy teammates were so considerate of my relationship – they would check in and ask questions to make sure they were caring and respecting both Eric & I throughout the process of being on a co-ed team.
**boundaries (physical, emotional & spiritual) are all things you need to consider, talk about, and re-visit throughout your time being on a co-ed team, regardless of if you’re in a relationship or not. It can be the biggest blessing and a healing experience being on a co-ed team, but it can also be detrimental and harmful if not approached with care and consideration.**
- Eric and I have a shared emoji that we text to one another – we used it before the race and we will probably use it even when emoji’s go out of style. It is an emoji that we agreed on that represents: “I’m upset or hurt, but I am still in this with you.” We send it to one another when we disagree or when we hurt one another. It was helpful throughout the year because arguments/hurts/misunderstandings are going to happen, but it’s important to both of us to be reminded that in the midst of all that, we are still in it together. Our emoji is a way for us to communicate that.
- Just like you debrief every month or two on the race, at the end of every month, set time aside to evaluate what has been going well in your relationship and what hasn’t been great, talk about what you can each do differently. We were really good about doing this the first 6-7 months. After that point we were more or less in the “swing” of distance and it was easier to adjust to the constant change.
- We learned pretty quick that we were going to have to set up some sort of “quality time” during this season of distance. At the beginning of each month, after we got our ministry schedules Eric and I would decide the day and approximate time we would Facetime once per week. Facetime was SO important to me, it helped me feel connected to him. We pretty much never missed our Facetime date & we would text/call when we could.
- It is a hard reality, but for a year, you are not going to be your significant other’s main source of support, it’s impossible. Spiritually and emotionally you will be able to support one another, but not physically in the ways you did while you were in person. Being overseas you aren’t “as involved” or as knowledgeable about the things going on in their life. The day-to-day stuff won’t always get to be shared. If it’s important to you, write those things down anyway, figure out a way to share them – email them, share a note on iPhones, journal them and send at the end of a week.
- Distance is really radical way to demonstrate the love you have for another person – it requires sacrifice, trust, grace, constant consideration, communication, grace, love, prayer, dependence on Jesus, oh and did I mention grace? – you’ll need to extend and receive loads of it.
- There are going to be things that you argue/disagree/misunderstand, things that you maybe aren’t able to process with your significant other initially. Have a safe person (of the same sex) to walk through those really heavy & intense reactive/initial emotions. Then share what is appropriate, when given the opportunity. We learned the hard way – make sure you each have enough time to talk about the “hard” things. It is the worst to leave a conversation, not feeling a sense of closure and still feeling some tension between you and your significant other.
- Never allow conversations (texting or phone call) to interrupt or intrude on team time, shared meals, or ministry time. Do what you came to do first and don’t change your priorities to accommodate your relationship. The Lord led you both to this and He will provide and make ways through it.
- Sometimes you’re going to feel more distant and you need to be reminded of the things you love about your person. Find a friend, tell them what you need, have them ask questions – like: “what is your favorite thing about your s/o?” “What are things you love to do together?” Sometimes I just needed the space to freely talk about Eric to someone else.
From Eric (The person staying behind) –
- The hardest part about Maddie leaving was everything about our life going from light and joyful to heavy and challenging. We signed up to do a really hard thing – each of our days were full of different stressors; I really missed the day-to-day fun we had together; we learned that just because this season is hard, it doesn’t mean we don’t love one another, it’s a difficult season, and we both signed up to grow through this year.
- Have grace if you’re short with one another or if your expectations aren’t always met.
- Keep God at the center of your relationship, not your feelings.
- We made a really cool commitment to both wear a ring all year. People would often ask me what the ring was for and it was a great opportunity for me to share what Maddie was doing and bring her into my day-to-day. Wearing a ring was a small way to reinforce our relationship. It also served as a way for me to bring God into the conversation – I got to share with people what the Lord was doing in the different countries Maddie was serving in.
- We learned all year how to live out what it looks like to put God first. It’s so easy to idolize your significant other – expecting them to bring you happiness or fulfillment, but you are going to fail one another; they just aren’t capable of fulfilling the role that God is meant to fill in your life.
- There was a point while Maddie was gone where I had to adjust my mindset. I thought I was just going to work the whole year and fill up any of my extra time with friends. After a few hard conversations in a row, we realized we needed to make time for us to “date,” even through a distance relationship. Just like you would go on dates in person, the Facetime dates were really important to Maddie. I had to learn how to sacrifice my time and share this time with her, even though I would have been okay with just talking to her on the phone.
**if it’s a rational request your significant other is making, and either person can accommodate, I think it’s important you find the time/way to make the sacrifice – this will look different for each couple. For us this was Facetiming, for Maddie, this often meant getting up early, staying up late, or getting out of bed to go to a quiet space to talk.**
- What I needed to hear most from Maddie was the reassurance that she loved me and chose me, even when things were hard or if I hurt her.
- I would also encourage you to not look at how much you have in front of you, how far you have to go, or not viewing this year as a burden, because then it will drag by. Look at this year as an opportunity to grow in the Lord, which is the most important thing.
Small Things:
– get a local sim card in each country (they were cheap in South America, Europe, and Southeast Asia). If you have a local sim card, you are less reliant on finding good wifi and are under less of a time constraint for only talking at cafe’s.
– don’t forget to talk about things that bring you joy – it’s easy to get sucked into having one heavy and hard conversation after another. (guilty here!)
– be willing to give and receive both positive and constructive feedback (wish I was joking). Explain what feedback is, talk about it’s importance and impact & have fun growing together; it’s worth it.
My squad mentor, Fran, told me from the beginning that I was going to end this journey, surprisingly more prepared for marriage & I think she was 100% right – Thanks Fran!
By no means did Eric and I do everything perfect, and we can both attest to how challenging this year was. When we first said goodbye, looking ahead at 11 months was daunting. But we did it & I believe you can too.
I hope this was helpful or gave you more insight as to what completing the race in a relationship looked like.
Love,
Maddie (almost Lukens!) & Eric 🙂
