Hi, I’m Maddie, and I am a slave to what people think about me. Why a slave you might ask? Well, according to the dictionary, the meanings of this word include: a person who is excessively dependent upon or controlled by something. And I have definitely been controlled by and dependent on what others think of me. I have done things just to impress people countless times. I have manipulated situations in order to make myself look better. I have played a sport or joined a club just to boost my resume. I have taken the more difficult classes and excessive hours just to prove that I could. I have even gone to unhealthy lengths to accomplish something because my fear of failure was greater than my desire to have balance in my life. Wow…that sure sucks to admit out loud.
When I got to India I found myself falling swiftly into my pattern of wanting to do everything perfectly. When we went to the children’s home, I wanted to be the one who the kids liked most. When things got really hard, I told myself I would hold it together no matter what was thrown my way, because no one likes a complainer. As we got to know our teammates, I strived to connect with everyone on my team quickly to push out any feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. Y’all, there are literally so many things that I could list right now.
This week, I was hit with a big, fat NEWSFLASH! No one cares about my achievements. No one cares that I could swim really fast in high school. It doesn’t matter how many 4.0’s I got in college. The awards I strived so hard to get don’t matter, in fact, they are sitting in a box collecting dust. The mask of perfection that I tried so desperately to maintain does not impress the orphans that I spend my days with. Fun fact, bragging gets you nowhere on the mission field. Just in case you have never had any huge life-changing realizations, let me be the first to say that they all hit you in the face like a ton of bricks. I hate bricks. And self reflection sucks.
Over the past couple of days I have had to really press into why I am doing these things? Why am I so concerned with what other people think about me? I had to ask myself why I was going to such great lengths to fake this image that I thought others would like and want. And the truth? Well, the truth is that I haven’t been finding value in who God created me to be, but instead finding my worth and value in the things I do. Now, isn’t that a fun pill to swallow? Nope.
So, what do I do now? How do I begin to live out a life that isn’t defined by what other people think, but instead is defined by whose image I was created in. I know this isn’t going to happen overnight, and I am positive there will be moments where my steps go backward instead of forward, but that’s ok.
I have realized that every single day we are each presented with a choice. We are given the choice to either evolve or stay the same. If we choose to stay the same, we will in turn face the same struggles, failures, problems and routines. This will continue until we decide to say “no more” As in I will no longer choose to stay stuck in the place I am in. It is only when we make the choice to say no more that we can begin to break free of all the patterns we have allowed in our life. But making that choice requires us to look inside of ourselves and see what isn’t working. It requires us to be strong enough to recognize what isn’t right and improve it. Does it suck? Yes. Is it worth it? Definitely.
XOXO,
Maddie
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