How do you forgive? How do you view yourself now? What about the baby? What do you think about the person who did that to you? These are just a few of the questions that have come my way since my blog post, Shame Undone, that I posted just weeks ago. When I posted the blog, I don’t think I was quite prepared for the number of questions I received, but with the questions still pouring in, I thought I would try and answer some of them.
How do you forgive? Every day in our relationships, whatever relationship that may be, we must choose whether or not we will forgive. We decide if we will let the circumstances of life make us bitter or better. And yes, the same goes in the relationship between me and my rapist. Yes, you heard me right, I called it a relationship. You see, for a while I let myself be in a relationship with this man. In fact, I needed to be in a relationship with him. I thought the only way I would feel better would be if he was the one who made it that way. I knew I needed to let go, but I couldn’t, because for the longest time I was still waiting for the impossible to happen. I was waiting for him to say something that would somehow alleviate the horrible feeling that had crawled inside of me, buried a hole and made itself at home. But the truth is, I needed to forgive him in order to cut the relational tie that I was clinging to. I needed to begin the journey that I still have to embark on each and every day. I had to choose to forgive. Because forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion.
How do you view yourself now? Honestly, this changes every day. Some days I look at myself and see a beautiful and brave child of God. I look at my body and see strong legs that carry me through my days. I see a face that has hundreds of opportunities a day to smile at and share joy with others around me. I hear a voice that has the capability of spreading the truth and freedom that comes from being in a relationship with Jesus. But other days, I see someone who let fear cripple her and let a man take away her voice. I see legs that couldn’t run quite fast enough to get away from the danger in front of me. I see a face that carries the scar from the object he swung across my face. I hear a voice that was ignored when it said the word “no.” Although my opinion of myself might change from day to day, God’s view of me does not, and that is what I cling to.
What about the baby? I think this is the hardest question to answer. What I can tell you though, is that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the child I lost. I wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl. I wonder what I would have been like as a mom. I wonder what it would be like to see a child every day that reminded me of the terror I had been through. I wonder, also, how God would have worked that situation for my good. At the end of the day, I grieve the child I lost, but celebrate the fact that God’s grand plan is sovereign.
What do you think about the person who did that to you? That is another thing that changes with the wind. Somedays I am angry. Other days, I look at him with pity. Some days I wish he, too, would know the pain of having his will taken away. Most days, however, I pray for him. I pray that he would find God and find freedom and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. I pray that whatever went so wrong in his life would be redeemed. I pray that he would begin the process of forgiving himself, just as I have.
Someone once said to me “I would do anything to take this away from you. I would do anything so that you wouldn’t have to struggle with this even one more day.” Yes, it was awful. Yes, it was so wrong. But no, I don’t wish it had never happened. I am thankful for the lessons it taught me. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow. And most importantly, I am blessed that this has allowed me to realize that every story matters, and that is has given me a passion to seek those stories out.
XOXO,
Maddie
