I sit here on the floor wondering if I should let you into a bad day for me on the Race.
As I write, I’m not feeling it. I don’t want to write a blog, I’m not in the mood, I would rather be staring off into oblivion because I feel like my brain is gradually imploding.
Why do I feel this way? Like my brain is mush and I would rather check out my mind on a movie instead of try to dig into what’s really going on.
I’m not unfamiliar with this feeling of hanging in a strange limbo while everyone else around me is doing just fine. This happens at home when I’m stressed or anxious or overwhelmed. Symptoms mirroring something much like stress paralysis, but stress paralysis of the mind and not so much the body. It took me part of the day to figure out why I’m having anxiety. For me, anxiety doesn’t look like being afraid; it looks like not being able to control my situation, even if I’m not consciously thinking about not being in control. It’s the slow realization that I have none, because I’m in Central America on a mission trip I signed up for. No turning back now.
I watched my teammates happily get ready to head out to see a local soccer team play in San Jose. I wanted to go and realized my financial situation wouldn’t permit it. Not much control over that. Stress. Anxiety. I gritted my teeth and cringed as I shot my mom a text asking if she could spare a few dollars so I could be with my team. She happily helped me out. At the last moment I realized I wasn’t even excited to go and that I knew I should probably spend my off day communing with The Lord and being alone. Our ministry days average around 14-15 hours, so off days are precious to rejuvenate. I climbed over my FOMO and said I wasn’t going. I would be missed, they said. I fought fomo-anxiety as I watched them leave.
I sat alone in the living room and tried to research how much gluten was in beer, and if there was such a thing as a good gluten-free beer. Earlier that morning I had warily cut off four inches of my hair (great, shorter hair for my wedding…anxiety) because of the damage it had suffered from split ends. I tugged on my short hair as I switched to scrolling through Facebook and then New Girl on Hulu.
Why wasn’t I feeling better? I journaled a little that morning, trying to catch up on the past four days I hadn’t journaled at all (guilt. Anxiety); journaling always makes me feel better, it’s how I communicate with The Lord.
How I’ve looked/currently look today. My hair’s so short….#why
I tried to push the thought of my mood aside and tabbed through wedding pins on Pinterest. What are all of the things I’m forgetting? Is 4 months really enough time when I get back to finish planning a wedding? My hair’s short now, so forget any kind of pretty hairstyle I wanted to do. Will I be able to afford to get married? Okay stop, just trust in The Lord. But my anxiety sat there, unmoved.
I called one of my best friends, Theresa, and it was wonderful to see and talk to her. I quickly made the connection that I was extremely homesick. Apparently month 3 on the Race is one of the hardest months. Honeymoon stage is over and reality has set in: This is my life. It’s not a game anymore. It’s not happy-go-lucky anymore. I abandoned my life of fun, comfort and freedoms to be pushed, uncomfortable and controlled. Agh. After talking with Theresa my mood was lifted a little; getting to see and talk to someone at home that I miss and hadn’t spent a lot of time communicating with was vitally refreshing. I began to think about everyone I still needed to call and talk to. Do they think I don’t care about them? I do. Why haven’t I called them yet? 15 hour ministry days. But I have off days? Exhaustion. Too tired. My mind refuses to function like it did before I left the US. Anxiety.
I shoot some people a few texts because I’m missing them. They didn’t respond the way I had hoped; in fact, they seemed indifferent/passive aggressive. Don’t they know how hard this is for me? Do they think I am on a vacation? Wait, what if my supporters think I’m on vacation and all I do is have adventure days and take pictures? But my team and I work so hard, surely that’s not the case. My mind begins to go and my old habits of over-analyzation begin to creep in and find a spot right next to Anxiety.
Who would want to be on the RACE? They don’t know what I have had to go through and what I am currently going through. I try to help them see but they don’t know. I try my best to derail my train of thought at this point because I have learned to recognize the dangers of my analytical mind.
I move from the living room to the connecting apartment where my team and I live. I sit on the floor, put on sad music and draw depressing pictures. For me, this is healing. I whip out my ukulele, play some songs I’ve been dying to play and then when I tire of doing that, I sit in the middle of the floor as I watch the sky turn from gray to black as night approaches. It’s only 6:45 here.
There’s no doubt the Race pushes you in all aspects. Especially emotionally and spiritually. Friday the 4th, 2016, I was on a bus at 4am to the Haitian airport, was in 3 different countries, on a truck in Costa Rica from the airport around 11:30pm that evening, didn’t go to bed until 12:30am and got up at 8 the next morning for breakfast, debrief of the day, and then ministry that day. Following that, we had about 3-4 more ministry days before an off day. My team and I were thoroughly exhausted physically and emotionally; me so much to where I let my emotions affect my attitude towards situations and my team. Something I regret and am rather embarrassed about.
I suppose you could say it’s unnatural to do what we on the Race are doing. You don’t get much time to process what’s going on around you; you’re just going going going going and you’re expected to perform. Which is fine, I signed up for that. But man it’s hard, no doubt. Beginning to experience culture shock for the first time is a weird thing. One day we’re in Haiti, middle of the day we’re in America (why am I uncomfortable that everyone speaks my language? Can’t hide, maybe? I’m not used to it) and by the evening we’re back to a Spanish-speaking country and I’m saying “oui” and “tre belle” accidentally instead of “si” and “muy bonita.” Blah what’s happening in my mind.
Traveling from San Jose to Emanuel Antonio on St. Patty’s Day for Adventure Day
A month in each country is just the right amount of time to get comfortable, settle in and finish establishing friendships before you’re emotionally and physically ripped away from the people you have grown to know and love. I’m not trying to make the Race sound scary. Merely inviting you into one of my bad days.
I sit here typing this and I still have so much to say about Haiti. I haven’t even told you guys the half of it. And what about Costa Rica? So much has happened here. I’m still uploading photos from Haiti and I’m already behind on Costa Rica. It’s not an over-exaggeration when I say I can easily feel like a failure when I don’t keep up with updates for my amazing supporters and family. Definitely feel as though I have failed when I don’t consistently journal here in Costa Rica. This is the only month that I’ve had trouble with that. Anxiety.
My teammate, Kerri, shared a short sermon with my team and me during one of our teamtimes a couple of days ago. The speaker says that God is not only the God of my successes, but the God of my failures. He doesn’t only claim to be my God when I succeed. He still claims to be my God when I fail, or feel like I have failed. He is not ashamed of me when I fail. He stays the same and doesn’t mind declaring it to, for and over me.
An example: I haven’t been able to consistently journal every day here in Costa Rica. For me, I feel convicted because journaling is my personal time with The Lord and that’s how I personally connect with Him. After this failure I feel like I have committed, He brings Josh to Costa Rica and I get proposed to.
Yet another great opportunity to squeeze in another picture of my ring. I mean seriously, good job, Josh.
But wait. Why? I haven’t been consistent with You, Lord? I haven’t come to You every day in my quiet time and communed with You. Why have you entrusted this thing with me? Why have you blessed me beyond measure when I clearly didn’t deserve this? It scared me. Fear of The Lord. Not in a bad way, but fearing a God who is willing to overlook my convicted failures and still give me something; still choose to love on me in a way I enjoyed being loved on. It truly scared me to the bone. Why has He given me this fragile, precious gift? This enormous thing that I have wanted all of my life? That I’m getting in less than a year? Why?
Because I love You. Because I want to challenge you. Because I think you can handle it and I think you can take it. I know I can entrust this engagement with you because I know you won’t run away from your responsibilities and I want to challenge you to grow even closer to me despite this new and exciting thing. Can you do that, Maddie? Do you accept?
Well of course, Lord. I like a challenge.
But dang, challenges are not easy. It’s weird, but it’s definitely grown harder day-to-day on the Race with being engaged. Thoughts of fomo and wanting to be close to Josh creep in daily. But I know this was entrusted to me by God. I know He gave this to me because I am strong enough. And I will prove Him right. Some days are worse than others; today is one of those days. Today is sucking emotionally, and still sucks.
Today, I invite you into a horrible day for me. It might not sound too bad because it was my off day and I watched a couple tv shows, played my uke, talked to some friends, listened to music and got a great lunch by my hosts. But the whole day connections are misfiring in my brain and I just can’t understand why I’m unable to get a grip on myself. Like a million tiny bugs crawling all over me but I can only find 1 or 2 at a time and squash them.
Moving forward, I ask that you keep my sanity, spiritual walk with The Lord and my emotions in your prayers. The Race is hard. The physical stuff can be challenging at times, but a good night’s sleep fixes that. Emotions are not as easily handled, and sometimes the lack of time to process what we are going through feels like my brain is slowly decaying. Please pray that my team and I will constantly be presenting our fears, worries and anxiety to The Lord. We’re almost through month 3 and onto month 4, real breezy-like. But my anxious side says I still have 6-7 more months of emotional rollercoasters and boxing tournaments to get through. Please pray that I don’t begin to view the Race and my ministry as something I am just trying to get through. This is my last year to be single, and I will probably never have community like this in my life ever again. So please pray that I maximize this time with my team and Christ, and pray that Christ reveals Himself to me and grows me.
Thank you for listening to and reading my tangents. I know many people who suffer from anxiety and understand exactly where I’m coming from. I do not actually suffer consistently from anxiety; I have anxiety spells that can sometimes be bad for me and can be debilitating. People who over-analyze know how exhausting it is; your brain just never turns off. Fortunately, The Lord has healed me of that, but I still struggle with analyzing situations that don’t need to be analyzed.
Thank you again, and I promise you I will give you actual information on what kind of ministry my team and I are doing. Our hosts are amazing and Conexion, the organization we are with is formed of some of the most hard-working volunteers and followers of Christ I have ever seen. Conexion has no staff and is run completely by volunteers who are passionate about bringing Christ’s light into the dark places of Costa Rica. It is an honor to serve alongside them.
Thanks you guys.
xoxo
Maddie
3hr bus ride to Emanuel Antonio
