(full disclosure, it’s a little long. But it’s a year in a blog. It’s short considering. Just stick with me)
I’M SITTING HERE wide awake at 12:13am, as I do many nights since coming home from the Race, wondering what God is doing.
My year was filled with wonder, mystery, grace, love, blessings from The Lord, His faithfulness, mercy, compassionate Spirit; I could go on and on about Him. He took my hand and led me into deeper waters that I was too afraid to wade in on my own.
He showed me kindness, He romanced me and I fell in love in ways I didn’t know I could with Him. He inspired me, amazed me, dazzled me and showed me just how awesome He is.
My year was also filled with sadness, hardships, pain, hurt, struggle, embarrassment, grief, fear, doubt, anger, bitterness, confusion and questions of “Why, God? Why?”
It cuts me to the bone when I think about those times. Reliving bad experiences over and over; things I wish never happened and I hope never happen again.
I had amazing ministry opportunities; I got to speak truth into the lives of my teammates and the locals around me in the DR, but I also struggled with being away from home and my boyfriend that first month.
I had incredible God experiences and drew closer to The Lord in Haiti as well as had the opportunity to love on the local kids, interpreters and staff. I also did tons of manual labor in the scorching heat, suffered miserably with self-moral and didn’t talk to my boyfriend for the whole month.
I got the privilege of staying in an actual home in Costa Rica, having wifi, being with a loving family, my boyfriend flying over and proposing to me and working with incredible ministry hosts! We also averaged 14 hour work days, I struggled with my attitude and had to receive some embarrassing feedback on how I was treating my team.
In Panama I got a bed, shower and toilet, had English-speaking hosts, got to play in the worship band some, had Spirit-led evangelism and exploration adventures! I also struggled a lot in my personal relationship, attended an infant’s funeral, did manual labor and felt overall exhausted and deprived of The Lord.
South Africa gave us incredible, Spirit-driven ministry hosts with huge hearts, we got to dress like normal people, participate in a ton of ministry, like soup kitchens, hospital ministry, wheelchair-building and Bible stories at daycares! Jesus taught me love and grace. I continued to struggle in my personal relationship a lot and had a lot of questions for God, I was sick that month and we had just had team changes which was emotionally difficult.
Lesotho was the most beautiful place I have ever been; Jesus taught me that I needed to continue to choose to trust Him, that He has things in store for me and that He is the Almighty Healer. I got to hike a mountain every day to minister to the locals and we had very loving ministry hosts. But it was also incredibly cold at night, we had no electricity or wifi and I struggled a lot with lies I was believing.
Mozambique was relaxed, we partnered with another team on our squad and I had the opportunity to get to know other team members really well, and I was thrown a bomb birthday party. It was also my worst month on the Race. My relationship with God really struggled and almost was non-existent. My relationship with my fiance really struggled. We had next to nothing to do during the day, I was sick for the past 4 months prior, basically no one spoke English, we were on a compound and our team went through a time of struggle. It was really, really rough. I also got malaria.
Cambodia brought a lot of joy and hope. We lived in a little tree house in a rural area, were fed incredibly well and had very considerate, loving hosts. We got to teach English and lead a kids’ camp. It was also insanely hot, we could hardly ever get cool, it rained all the time, my personal relationship suffered miserably and I was put down with typhoid for most of the time we were there. Typhoid was a living nightmare.
In Thailand I got to work with victims of human trafficking!! It had always been a goal of mine to minister to the women in the red light district of Thailand and I was able to do that. Our team dynamic was incredibly strong, we had an incredible host who ran a functioning hostel (so we had beds and a/c at night!) and we were fed very well. My relationship with The Lord was so strong. We worked with some amazing YWAMers and got to partner with them in ministry.
But, that was also a month with some heavy warfare, the month my fiance and I ended things and my grandma had a stroke. Fearing she wouldn’t make it, I flew back to the States hours after finding out and lived in FL at the hospital for 10 days fearing for my grandmother’s life, while living in what seemed like a dream being amongst my family whom I hadn’t seen in almost 9 months. I flew back to Thailand a day before my squad left for Malaysia, and found out we were switching teams last minute. Needless to say, it had been a helluvah month.
Took a bus, train, tram, ferry, bus to George Town, Malaysia which was easily one of my favorite months. My team was fresh, we were on fire, we were ready to go. We worked fast-paced with our energetic ministry host who loves God a whole super lot. I had more ups than downs that month. Jesus romanced me in countless ways and gave me hope in what seemed like endless disaster. My grandma was improving, my team loved on one another, we stayed in an a/ced hostel and we worked in the local art district. But it was still hot as heck and we all had emotional bumps in the road that month.
Indonesia was our 11th and final month and holy crap did everything begin to fall apart. Team was weird, I was weird; a lot of things seemed off. I had a lot of personal struggles that I had to work through. A lot of coming to terms, a lot of realizations. I’ll be home next month. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I became highly introverted and had suffered from scary anxiety attacks leading up to our 11th month. I journaled as much as I could and tried to talk things out with my team often. But, we had beds with nice blankets, the air was cool, it did rain a lot but in my opinion it was kinda nice. We had wonderful hosts with a big house to stay in and awesome volunteers to work with. We had sports days, hung out with young, local adults and helped them with their English, we hosted Bible studies and I even got to spend time in a brothel and love on some of the exploited girls (so emotional).
Indonesia was just plain beautiful. I went on a lot of exploration adventures with my team and tried all kinds of things, and I have no regrets. God told me that it was good to be excited for the future, even though I didn’t really know what it held.
And then, I got back home. And that was a struggle in and of itself. Life had moved on without me, and so did some people. I wasn’t where I thought I would be in the beginning. I was much further.
But I haven’t seen my team in months. I’ve had the incredible opportunity to visit with one of my squadmates a few times. It was life-giving.
But I’m scared, to be completely honest with you. And it’s not a roaring fear of something jumping out of a dark place waiting to take me. It’s this small, quiet, little corner of my mind sneaking out every now and then and reminding me that it’s there. It’s this little nudge on my consciousness telling me that the things I want and hope for are nothing more than a fantasy, that it’s too much to hope for.
It’s the thing that keeps me up at night.
Gnawing; scratching the walls of my brain:
I’m scared I won’t be able to accomplish what I’m meant to do.
I’m scared I won’t make the right decision.
I’m scared I won’t be able to step into the fullness of Christ the way He has made me.
I fear that I won’t amount to what He has intended me to be.
It’s a terrifying thought.
I don’t want to look back and remember the World Race as the only thing I did.
I want to look back and see that it was the springboard.
I want to look down at my hands and see them cracked, calloused and worn from hard work, from ministry; from purpose.
I want to look across the room and see the person God sent me to do life with and partner in our Jesus-driven passions together.
I want to look back and see the kids I’ve helped raise and my grandkids who have gone even further than me and stepped into even more of God’s purpose.
I want to look back and know that I did everything in my power to follow God’s will to the very end, and even though I’m still an imperfect human being, know that I don’t have to worry, because He is so much more than perfect.
I don’t want to miss a single moment. And I won’t.
Don’t be afraid to pray dangerous prayers. Ask for strength. Ask for growth. Ask for His will to be made known and for Him to prepare you for it.
But be ready. He will take you through whatever He needs you to go through, just to get you there. But when you’re there, it is so freaking worth the trials and tribulations, guys.
My year was so insanely wonderful and terrible. But I’m so glad I went through the pile of crap that I did, because there is no way I could have grown otherwise. And I am so much more rooted in His truth for it.
If I can make it out alive after wading through all of those hardships, then YOU CAN, TOO. I truly believe you can.
I still struggle with things coming off the Race and I still have baggage I’m working through, and I have no idea what Jesus has in store for me, now. And I don’t know what He’s up to.
And yeah, it makes me the tiniest bit fearful. But when I look back and see everything He brought me through in 2016, I have so much faith that He will do it over and over and over again, and I know He’s got some stuff in store for me.
And most certainly, you.
