August snuck up on me; in the blink of an eye, my summer came to an end as I packed up my life in Holland, shipped too many boxes to Seattle, moved out of the Inferno, and said goodbye to a community that changed my life. Its only been three weeks and I already find myself longing for the beautiful rhythm I found myself living this summer; spending my mornings reflecting and conversing in Lemonjellos, long afternoons hammocking amidst the splendor of Pine Grove, eating simple pasta dinners, drinking scandalous wines, watching the sun set on the shores of Lake Michigan and wandering around campus late at night with a Swisher in hand, wrestling with the beauty and brokenness of our fragile existence. It was a season set apart to catch my breath, unwind, and slowly transition away from what has become home over the past 4 years. I wouldn’t have told you I needed this time but hindsight, it turns out, is always 50/50.
I left Holland with a profound sense of peace that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The encouragement, love and support I experienced, especially in the final month, was overwhelming and I was excited to let it carry me through the final phase of this transitional period. All that was left between me and the Race was a 2 ½ week stint in Seattle. While I was eager to “get through” this last mini season and jump fully into this next chapter of life, God had other plans to use this period to radically stretch me and remind me who is in control.
Immediately upon my arrival to Seattle, the peace I was reveling in disappeared as I was bombarded with my parents’ legitimate and profound concerns with the Race. After weeks of intense, heavy, and emotionally charged conversations about safety, risk, theology, and contingency plans, I found myself completely exhausted and nearly defeated by the weight of uncertainty and the fear of the unknown. These conversations and the mounting evidence to support the claims that the Race was too risky forced me to wrestle with whether or not I needed to look into other, more established programs. I found myself praying and fasting my last weekend in Seattle, crying out to the Father for clarity and unity with my family in whatever decision was reached. Despite the red flags, I still felt a deep sense of peace about going that defied the practical truths that suggested another program would be a wiser choice.
When I informed my parents that I still felt called to go, it seemed that the unity I so desperately wanted was going to be out of the question BUT God had much bigger plans and a better idea of what ‘unity’ looked like. Through all the tribulation and gut wrenching conversations around the Race, God was uncovering and bringing to light family patterns, behaviors and emotions that have been shut away and unaddressed due to my parents’ almost two decade long marriage separation. Out of the blue, my parents and I found ourselves recognizing the brokenness, apologizing for our roles in it, and working through what that means in our lives now. Steps towards healing and reconciliation have been set in motion. WHAT?!
Yeah, that happened. Never in a million years would I have guessed that we would have had that conversation or how much I needed to hear my parents’ apologies and openly address the brokenness that was never fully acknowledged for so many years.
While grueling and exhausting, I have been blessed immensely by this last season in Seattle. I was geared up to sprint through it but God slowed me down and taught me invaluable lessons about discernment, trust, and surrender in the process. He showed up in unexpected and huge ways, beginning to reconcile areas of my life that I had written off as unredeemable.
Just as August arrived without warning, we are just as suddenly in the midst of September. After many months of eager anticipation, I am just a day away from leaving for Cape Town, South Africa where I will spend the remainder of the month playing sports with at risk youth. I once again feel that deep sense of peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and know in my innermost being that God is in control and He is working all things together for our good.
And we know that in all things God works for the good who love him – Romans 8:28
