Over the course of the last month Abba has been subtly, or probably not so subtly, sending me sweet invitations to step into being His daughter. Until this month, and even still, I wasn’t sure what it actually meant to be a daughter of the King, which is ironic considering I’ve had ‘Daughter of the King’ tattooed on my back for almost a year. I said before, I have a ‘teeny’ problem with trust, and that unfortunately includes skepticism when it comes to trusting the Lord, Abba, my Papa.
A little background: When I was 7 years old my parents started their divorce. It took a long time, and to put it simply it took a very large toll on me. I thought they wanted a divorce because I had somehow messed up as a daughter, because I wasn’t good enough. I was told lies that my dad wanted a divorce because he didn’t love me anymore. That was the first time I had the feeling of not being enough, of failing at something so very important.
I didn’t trust anyone when they said they would keep my secrets about my most raw feelings, because every time I told someone how I was feeling about the divorce they told one of my parents; and every time they did I felt more and more like I had done something wrong. My parents divorced, I was placed with my mom and moved across the state from my dad and Stephie, my absolutely incredible bonus mom.
During my childhood I felt abandoned, unloved, divorced, like I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt like I was failing at everything, never enough for anyone, never enough for my mom to get up off the floor and keep going, never enough to tell me that my dad really did love me, instead of blame shifting her hurt onto me.
To be a ‘good daughter’ I thought I needed to be perfect, to never have problems, to always get straight A’s in school, to do well in sports, to never expect unconditional love, from my mom. I even carried these perceptions into college, yikes right?
But my dad, let me tell you, he fought for me, he would drive 4 hours each way to watch me in my games as a child, even though I told him not to watch because I was ‘so’ embarrassed. I didn’t see it then, but I see it so clearly now how incredibly hard he fought for me and tried to show me he unconditionally loved me, unfortunately the damage was already done.
Back to the now: This last month in Colombia and now in Ecuador I’ve been working hard to figure out what it means to hear from the Lord, because I desperately wanted to. I didn’t realize, or believe, that He wanted to speak to me, and that He has been for quite a while now. He spoke to me in Colombia, but I tried to say it wasn’t that; it wasn’t until debrief last week that I finally accepted it and truly rejoiced in it. And let me just tell you how dang sweet it is ya’ll.
During my one on one with my coach Dan this last week, he asked me if I believed that I was Abba’s daughter; and that means that He would never divorce or abandon or leave me. I said yes, but I really wasn’t sure, because it’s honestly terrifying to walk into that trust. A slew of things happened before and after this talk that were, and still are, bringing me to my knees in front of my Father, boldly telling Him I was ready to believe I was enough for Him to want to talk to me, to choose me, to work through me, to love me unconditionally.
That night of debrief our sweet squad mentor Ashley asked us to do some inner healing questions, and I landed on that ever present feeling of not being enough, I realized the feeling hiding under that was the fear of being a failure. I had never tied those two together before, but what came next was even sweeter, and absolutely worth it.
I heard from the Lord! Like truly heard Him, so obviously that there is no way I could say it wasn’t Him. The last inner healing question is what truth the Lord has for you. I started to write down all these things and then my heart started to feel different, I was writing things that I wasn’t thinking, and I knew it was Abba talking to me, the first time this has ever happened by the way! He told me that He wants to show me what it means to be a daughter, and not the earthly daughter I know of, but a daughter of the highest King. That He wants to walk with me into the trust and truth that He loves me, will never divorce me, never not choose me, never stop loving me, that I can trust Him, that He favors me, that he wants to take my yoke and carry my burdens. He told me He wants to surprise me and show me what it means to truly be a daughter of the King. How stinking sweet is that?!
Daughter means so many things, it means someone is my dad, my mom, and in my very lucky case, someone is my bonus mom too. It also means that I am a daughter of our sweet Father, who wants nothing more than to shower us in His love and favor. That He is enthralled by me and so, so good to me, every. dang. day. It means that we are daughters and sons who have a Father who delights in us, and that is such a sweet thing to realize.
I have a lot to learn and walk into about being a daughter of my Abba, my Papa, but I love Him a heck of a lot. He’s tearing down the lies I’ve believed about love and being a daughter, and I am extremely excited to learn more about what this all means.
So much love,
Mack
