What does surrender look like to you?
Does that seem like a broad question to you? It did to me. The word “surrender” seemed like a broad term to me in general. I mean, I know what it is, but what does it look like to walk out in surrender? That’s what I struggled with understanding when the Lord asked me to step out in surrender during one of our first “Teaching Tuesdays” back in Costa Rica almost five months ago.
It’s crazy to think this was even on my mind then, but the scary “what are you going to do after the race?” question was a big topic once we arrived overseas. I think it’s safe to say that this was one of my least favorite topics, and had been since my senior year of high school. It had been a source of a lot of tears and stress.
Here’s the thing: I went on the race thinking I knew what I was doing after. I always had an answer to that question. I just didn’t have any peace about it. I had gotten into my dream school, a place I really thought I could see myself at. Going to this school was something I really wanted. But it came at a price. A big one. I knew I’d have to take out a lot of money in student loans to go. And deep down I knew that I just couldn’t afford to take out that kind of money. Hence, no peace.
That’s when I very clearly heard the Lord ask me to choose surrender. I was so confused and frustrated. I thought I had chosen surrender. I had been asking God what my future was going to look like for almost two years, but all He seemed to be giving me was closed doors, no open ones. I just want to know what I’m doing, God, I prayed. Whatever you want me to do, wherever you want me to go, I will. Just tell me what it is. Team leading? A different school?
Still, no answer. We’d talk about other things, but when I brought up my future, He was silent.
Then what does surrender look like, God?
One day after I asked the Lord this question and I was ranting to a friend about all of this, she suggested I do something that our squad mentor taught her: send all my options “down the river”.
I’ll explain. Remember in Exodus, when Moses’ mother sent him down the river in a basket? She didn’t know what was going to happen to Moses, she didn’t know if she’d ever see him again. She just trusted that if they were meant to be together, the Lord would bring Him back to her. That’s surrender. And that’s what I realized I was terrified to do.
I sat with the Lord on the stage of our church the next morning. I closed my eyes and let the floor in front of me turn to a rushing river. In my journal, I drew several baskets and labeled them with all the options of what I could do after the race that I was holding onto. Then, the Lord asked me to let them go.
But what if none of them come back? I asked.
Trust me, The Lord said. I’ll hold your hand through it.
One by one, I let my “baskets” float down the river, out of my reach. If any of them were meant for me, I knew the Lord would send them back. It was all in God’s hands now. I realized that while I had been trusting the Lord with my future plans, I never went as far as to trust Him even if I had no plan at all. I sat on the edge of that river, terrified, knowing I no longer had an answer. No plans left to hold onto. And the Lord sat next me and outstretched His hand.
Now that your hands are open, He said.
I guess in the end, I never needed anything else.
That’s what surrender looks like to me.
An exciting life update!!
Are you wondering if any of those baskets ever came back? One very unexpected basket did. Back in Georgia, an admissions counselor from Grand Canyon University visited us to tell us about opportunities for after our race. At the time, I wasn’t really sold on the idea. But, the Lord kept bringing it back up, so I decided to apply on the four hours of wi-fi I bought in the Panama Airport. Between the price, the community, the academics, and more, I started to be able to see myself at GCU more and more. Finally, I knew that was where the Lord was leading me. So this fall, I will be moving to Arizona and attending GCU, and studying Graphic Design!!
