All the way back in Georgia during month one of my race, AIM’s worship coordinator, Erika, met with each squad’s worship team once a week to train and encourage us in leading worship on the race. The training wasn’t for harmonies or guitar lessons, but rather realizing what worship is actually meant to be. We spent most of the time talking about all the different ways we can worship the Lord that doesn’t necessarily include singing. During this, Erika taught us something that is kind of just now hitting me.
She led us to read Psalm 88, which seemed fitting because the Psalms are full of worship. But once I started reading, I realized that Psalm 88 doesn’t sound like worship at all. In fact, to me, it sounded like the opposite. Have you ever read Psalm 88? Here, go read it first and then come back.
Are you back? Okay cool. Doesn’t sound like worship, right? Except, it’s still in the bible. It’s in Psalm, the book of songs.
The author of this Psalm is in pain. They’re hurting, and they’re not hiding it from the Lord. They’re crying out to Him. They’re even angry, shouting at God.
“Oh Lord, why do you reject me? Why do you hide your face from me?”
Still, they’re giving it to God. Hurt, pain, and brokenness. All of it.
Okay, go read Psalm 89.
Did you read it? Actually? Okay, I believe you.
It’s the total opposite of the Psalm it follows, right? Psalm 89 is a beautiful song of reverence and wonder for the Lord. It’s crazy to think that these two passages could be right next to each other, but they are. Because the authors understood something: We have the freedom to be emotionally authentic with God.
This shook month one Kenzie because for some reason I had the idea that I had to be perfect to be in the Lord’s presence. I thought I had to leave my messiness at the door and put on a smile, even if it was fake, when I went to worship Him. I didn’t really do much with this revelation at the time, I just thought “wow, that’s cool,” and put it in my back pocket.
Fast forward to one of the last discipleship classes my squad and I had while working with The Hope Project in Costa Rica. Astrid, one of the staff there, gave a lesson on fighting internal spiritual warfare. I know, pretty cool topic. I took like four pages of notes, but one thing she said really stuck out to me:
“Give God your tears, because it’s an offering you can only give Him here.”
How true is that!! One day, we will worship God in a place with no pain and no tears, but for now, we have this sweet little gift of being able to give all this brokenness to Him.
Fast forward one last time, to the present, where I just finished probably the hardest month of my race, and I’m struggling to look forward to my final month with as much hope as I started out with. For a while, I’ve been going to the Lord hoping to give Him a “Psalm 89” type of worship but ending up with a blank page. I even started getting frustrated with God and compared my time with Him with how I saw my squadmates spending time with Him asking, “Why can’t my walk with you look more like theirs? Why won’t you give me the fire they have?”
Then God reminded me of that devotional with Erika, and of what Astrid said in her teaching. I realized that I was coming to the Lord with a heavy heart, upset, hurt, and even angry, but I wasn’t giving it to Him. So I ended up giving Him nothing. That day I decided to give Him my “Psalm 88” worship, however messy it might be because it was all I had. Almost immediately, I felt closer to the Lord than I had in weeks. Everything on my heart started pouring out of me like a waterfall, and I gave it all to Him. I’ve never felt so held by the Lord. He gave me a vision of me placing my tears on an altar, and them evaporating and rising up to Him. A form of worship.
I feel like my journal looks a lot like the book of Psalms, with pages of lamenting and praising in a cycle that doesn’t seem to end. And that’s okay, because it’s real. And sometimes, we have to give God a “Psalm 88” worship to give Him a “Psalm 89” worship.
How can you be more emotionally authentic with God in your walk with Him? Are you truly giving Him everything, the good and the bad? I hope these two Psalms broke down your view of worship and can bring you the same freedom it brought me.
This topic is really close to my heart, so thanks for reading!!
