Over the past three months I have been extremely encouraged to self-reflect, and ask questions about who I was, who I am, and who I want to become. I’ve always thought that I’ve been pretty-much the same person my whole life. OK sure I went through a “rebellious” phase like most teenagers do, but that’s normal. But I began to look deeper, and to ask the Lord where I have grown within the past few years. I got nervous as soon as I asked God to show me where I grew because I know to see where you have grown it means to look back at where you use to be. Then I really started thinking – do I really want God to bring up the part of me that I am embarrassed about and ashamed of? Do I want to be reminded of the things that I failed at, that I struggled with? But I truly wanted to know how I overcame those things, where God was through it all, and how it has made me a better person. So, below is everything that I have figured out since asking that initial question.
Who I was – I have always been a Christian. Since I can remember I have believed that Jesus is the son of God, who died on the cross for my sins. The older I got the more I realized that being a follower of Christ wasn’t only about believing the statement above, but it has so much to do with understanding that God wants a personal relationship with you. The more I desired a relationship with God, the more I desired to change the way I was living. I wanted to become more like Jesus, but there were certain habits I had, certain addictions and stumbling blocks that I would weigh out in my head and say “is this worth it? Is my desire for the Lord worth stopping all of this?” and most of the time, I said no, He isn’t worth it. And I would turn my face from the Lord, I would avoid church (if I could), I didn’t want to listen to Christian music. I was numbing myself from the conviction that Lord was placing in my heart. Then I would go back to church, hear some good words from the pastor and decided that it was my time to repent. So, I did, and I promised I would never do those things again. A few days later I fell right back into my old habits. The feeling of immense shame that would wash over me every single day had me feeling completely unworthy, hypocritical, and unheard. And then the cycle would go over and over again.
Who I am – I have heard the story of the woman at the well (John 4:1-42) many times in church throughout my life. I always took the bible extremely specifically almost to the point where I would say “how can I relate to any of these people? They were alive so long ago?” and zone out from what the pastor / speaker would be saying immediately.
Then I began looking at the bible in a completely different context. I reread and listened to some podcasts about the woman at the well. Jesus was passing through a country where the people did not get along with Jews (Samaria). He stopped at a well to get a drink when a Samarian woman came to get some water. She was going to the well at noon, the hottest part of the day. Many pastors and other speakers say that she would have only done this because she was trying to avoid seeing anyone there. Now this woman has had five different husbands, and the man she was living with currently was not her husband. She was probably mocked in town and trying to avoid being glared at or looked down upon by another woman who went to the well at a cooler hour. She was ashamed. So, I asked myself, how can I relate to this at all? Well, every single time that I would fall back into the same sin I promised to break free of, I felt shame, and I hid from God. I was going out of my way, to stay away from anything “Christian,” I was lying and trying to hide my sin, so I wouldn’t be called a hypocrite. So, I was going to the well at noon, just in a more modern way.
Jesus asked her for a drink of water, and she questioned him as to why a Jew would be speaking to her. I think she was confused that someone, especially a Jew, was acknowledging her. He responded with telling her that if she only knew his character and who he was that she would ask him for a fix to her problems (a drink from the well) and that he would instead, give her not only a fix to her problems, but something that will never leave her wanting anything more (living water.) He was offering her a promise of life. Again, I asked myself how I could relate to this. God had told me many times in my life that if I just gave Jesus my shame, he would replace it with the truth – that I have been forgiven by the blood of the lamb.
Who I want to be – I want to be shameless, fearless, and bold, knowing that I am a daughter of Christ. Living in the truth that Jesus died for a heavy price, a price that paid for all of my shame and guilt. I want to be someone who reminds everyone of their worth and their gift of life through Jesus Christ. These are things that I will ask for every day. These are BIG things. I’m so glad I serve a BIG God.
