For 3 days this week I picked weeds out of the ground and made areas that were once ugly looking, beautiful. Ever since the first day of doing the same repeated task, I would get visions of me picking up weeds and making things beautiful again. At first, I didn’t know why I was seeing this over and over again, so I prayed about it. Jesus is so intentional with every single thing He shows you.
It was symbolic to my fear of pain and rejection that I am currently walking through. For the past year, I have struggled with relationships ending and how they ended. I have struggled with not getting closure on certain things. I have walked in shame because of the things people have done to me and the things people have said to me. I have turned to alcohol as my escape. I have lived in constant fear of every single person that I got close with leaving, and it’s incredibly hard to form relationships with people when all that you do is fear the day they leave. I have feared being close to anyone.
I am currently walking into the light. The other day Jesus spoke the words “you are free through me, now you must choose to walk in that freedom”. At first, I didn’t really understand it, but the more I thought about it I realized that freedom is a choice(a lot of people here keep reminding me of this). I get to choose if I want to be free or not, so why the heck was I consistently choosing every single thing other than freedom? Yeah, I don’t know either. Jesus is walking me through lots of healing and making areas of my life that were once ugly, beautiful again.
I realize now that worldly things are not worth it, but that I must run to the arms of my Father because there is no greater comfort. It hurts a lot, I’m not completely healed that’s for sure, but I know that my Father would not leave me like this. I know there is a purpose for this hurt and pain that I sometimes feel.
Every single morning, I choose to run to the arms of the Father and if I’m being honest, sometimes it’s the most painful thing in the entire world. But I think there is so much beauty in knowing that Jesus would leave the 99 for me every single time. That He loves me so much regardless of the things I have done, and He is willing to do anything for me to be His.
The journey to healing is quite a process, but it’s a much better process knowing that Jesus is working for the good in me.
