What’s it like being home? Well, depends on who’s asking at what point in the day.
The mission field was, in a few words, the best experience ever. And I learned a ridiculous amount of not only life skills, but spiritual skills that I apply every day and will continue to use for the rest of my life here on Earth.
That being said, it’s obvious to anyone who I speak to, regardless of how I am feeling in the moment, that I desperately want to be back out serving. And the thrill of international missions is beautiful and amazing and everything I’ve ever wanted.
If you spoke to me halfway through month two, in Costa Rica, you know that I was so in love with missions that I planned to start fundraising from the field for another three month trip to southern Africa in January. Needless to say, it didn’t quite work out. Because, the idea of being outside of the country living for God was so mesmerizing that I lost sight of the reason I was doing it.
God shut that door with the promise of better and to wait on Him. And I complied. Well, sorta. I wanted so badly to be the person who got to change the world and plant seeds everywhere I went, that I forgot who the Great Gardener was, and I am simply a shovel He uses at his expense.
So, now, in an awkward limbo of waiting on “the next thing”, I feel like my cup is not full. I feel like I am ridiculously strung out, just waiting for God to work His magic and make it all fine and dandy.
Who am I to doubt? Mack a year ago swore she knew best for herself! Taking an unfulfilling path that led to continuous and inevitable disappointment. This dissatisfaction led me to the most beautiful journey of my entire life thus far. But instead of accounting that to Him, I accounted it to my location.
He is so so so good, and who in the world am I to limit Him to a different country? What box have I placed Him in that He can’t give me abundant life right here in my town?
I seek out things of the world to fulfill me, then blame Him when they fall short.
I want a faith that makes Hell tremble. I want to wake up each morning so sure in the plans He has for me that the enemy shakes, because there is no storm he can throw my way that my God is not equipped to handle.
So, here I am, in the biggest battle of my life: patience. And satisfaction in Him and Him alone.
Believers, followers, I say this to you. You give your doubt power when you keep it to yourself. The church has made it taboo to talk about unbelief, when, in actuality, that is what brings us closer to Him. Because when He can take a doubter and turn them into a faith-filled believer, Hell quakes at the might of His name.
I read yesterday about a part of the Bible where someone is asked, “Do you believe in God?” And the answer is sure, “Yes! I believe!” “Great!” they say, “The demons of Hell believe in Him too.” Belief is not enough to power you. You have to live it out. And sometimes belief doesn’t look like what we think it does. It isn’t an absence of doubt. Belief is taking your doubts, giving them to Him, and saying, “I don’t know really what’s happening here, Lord, but it’s yours. And you won’t lead me astray.”
So, the notion that Christians aren’t allowed to falter and doubt and question is the biggest lie the enemy has ever told. Because when He has the chance to show you and reveal Himself to you, more fruit comes out than sureness and pretending that you’ve never fallen to doubt.
Do you think that Moses held up his staff and relied solely on faking his faith to part those seas? He looked at the Red Sea and gave it over to God, regardless of his feeling on the matter.
It isn’t about a lack of doubt. It’s about giving that doubt to Him. THAT is faith.
Love you all!
