Editor's Note: I expected God to use me this year to bring about change for His Kingdom! I expected Him to use me to impact tons of lives, in tons of places. And I expected to learn a little along the way. (But don't tell any World Race staff that, because we were supposed to come on this thing leaving all expectations at the door…) HOWEVER…I think God is doing more IN me this year than He's doing THROUGH me. I know that He's using me to help others…but honestly you guys, He really has not stopped working on me the past 3 months…and so that's why these blogs tend to be more about what's happening inside me, in my spirit and heart, than about all the "good" things I'm doing for others.
I want to share with everyone my absolute deepest fear. (I mean, how could putting one of the most vulnerable parts of my life on the internet for all to see be in any way a bad idea? Anyone, anywhere can read it. Forever. No way this could backfire. Also, I didn't think I'd feel this vulnerable in writing about it, but as I sit here, right now, I got a massive case of the "tinglies" going on because, well, because this is scarier than I thought it'd be. Whew…okay, here we go.)
Here it is. My greatest fear is…that I will always fail. Always, and in everything.
That sounds so general, and maybe not so bad, I know…so allow me to elaborate sightly. Sometimes I am afraid I will never reach my potential as a follower of Christ. Sometimes I am afraid I fail constantly at being a friend. Sometimes I am afraid I fail as a team leader on this race. Sometimes I am afraid I will fall short as a father. Sometimes I am afraid that I will love my wife more than she will love me, and that somehow it's my fault for loving too much, which is somehow a failure of mine. (Wow, that sounds messed up, really messed up, even as I write it.) Sometimes I am afraid I I fail at being quiet and hence talk to much. Sometimes I am afraid that I don't pray on my knees enough. Sometimes I am afraid I don't sit in God's presence enough. Sometimes I am afraid I don't read the Bible enough. Sometimes I am afraid I don't put others first enough. Sometimes I am afraid I live in the world too much. Sometimes I am afraid I don't love God enough. And I am afraid that He knows it. And that He is disappointed. Sometimes I am afraid that at some point, I will make a mistake that God won't forgive.
Again, I am afraid of failing, always and in everything. (Now, I don't think all of those things, all of the time. I don't walk around like Eyor or anything, moping about how hopeless I am. Not at all. But those things do come up, and I have to battle them, and I don't always win.)
That fear of failing plays into how I live…and I constantly find myself trying to perform for God, showing Him how much I really do love Him, how I really do want to give it all to Him. And when I fall short, I weep and try harder, only to fall short again and again and again. Because I'm human and imperfect. That cycle gets broken by God's grace often…and I allow it to seep over me and into me and there is freedom. But somehow…despite knowing what is true, and despite trying my derndest to walk in that truth, I will once again find myself caught up in that cycle of trying to prove it to God. Because I want to always be growing as a Christian, as the man God made me and is forming me into. I want it so badly, that I am impatient with myself, and set crazy huge expectations for myself, expectations I would never put on anyone else knowing they could never be reached. Yet I put them on myself…and I beat myself up when I don't reach them. Far too often I buy into the lies of the enemy, and think of myself as a failure. (The enemy is realy, really talented at getting me to believe I'm a failure, even when I know at the core of it, it's a total lie. Truly he is a deceiver, and incredibly sly. Jerk.)
The fear of failing has serious implications because it is the core of all my other fears I think. I think. Because it goes as deep as it does, all I tend to see in my life are my shortcomings. (Victory in sobriety through Jesus is one victory I rarely, rarely lose sight of.) More often than not I see my weaknesses far, far outweighing my gifts…and not in a healthy, humble way. I often find myself wondering why God is so patient with me. So patient with someone who talks such big game for Him, but doesn't deliver to the same degree. Is His grace big enough for me? For others sure…but for me? I mean, I am a constant failure…does His grace cover constant and perpetual shortcomings? Even when I intentionally turn away because denying my flesh is too hard? (Yes, I repent. And it's humbling in the hardest way.) Or when I pull away because I feel unworthy of even mentioning His name, let alone speaking with Him? Does His grace cover when someone proclaims loudly they love Him when that same person also runs and hides out of shame and guilt? (Yes, I believe it is. Always. But again, sometime I have to battle the lies that God's grace isn't big enough, and again I don't always win.) 
This is my thought process from time to time. This, from someone who has decided to spend a year telling people around the world that God will forgive them, that He desires them, that He has rescued them if they would take up the offer, leave the world and everything behind and follow Him. And that it's all COMPLETELY worth it…
Now, I know that in a recent blog I wrote about how Jesus was my everything. My source of identity, my source of unending strength and unending joy. And He is. That is absolutely true and He has not stopped proving it for one second. So…how can that be true, yet I get caught up in this cycle of being held prisoner by fear? Well…I think partly because as God continues to heal me, mold me, strengthen me, grow me, He continues to also bring more to the surface that I need to address and surrender. This fear is one of those. Now…He's brought me such a long way in the past 2 years, bringing freedom from his TRUTH. These fears don't grip me like they used to. There is a noticeable change even I recognize that He's brought about. But I believe there's more freedom, FULL FREEDOM, and that He's leading me to that place. And today, just a few hours ago, He took me another step in that direction…
Stay tuned in for Part 2…because it's full of great stuff and an even greater hope! (So don't worry…all is not lost! Not with the grace of God!)
