I’ve often heard that if Jesus died for just one person, his whole effort would have still been worth it. I’ve also heard it said that if someone preaches to a crowd of 10,000 and only one person steps forward to receive Jesus, the whole effort of gathering everyone together was worth it. Even if no one accepted Jesus as their savior, people would say it was still worth it for the crowd to hear the Good News of Jesus…that seeds were planted with them.
I agree with that. I really do. 
However, I am coming to the realization that I believe it in theory more than I do in the deepest part of my heart. That has been a tough thing for me to accept.
A few days ago we headed off to start a 3 day “seminar” for a pastor we’ve met since being in Dar es Salaam. The pastor wanted us to teach his congregation, to usher in Holy Spirit. He was so excited. And so was I. So we headed out to the small island where his small church is, eager and hopeful. Four busses (full /packedbusses with lots of jostling, bumps and frequent stops to let people on and off) one ferry ride and three hours later we were at the church. I’ll spare you further detail, but the short story is that one adult and 20 kids were all that showed. (and the kids only came because they’d seen us walking through the streets and were curious about the weirdo white people who came out of nowhere.) We sang songs with the little ones, re-enacted David and Goliath for them and then Angie preached. During the sermon, the kids sat still for 10 minutes and the next 25 they were running in and out of the church, not sitting still and basically being kids, not paying attention at all, but rather embracing the simple joys of running around, enjoying the freedom of childhood. The one adult listened to Angie though. And ¾ of the way through her sermon, another lady came in.
Then we left. The first day of the seminar not being as much of a seminar as much as it was chaos and children’s songs. We then made the trek home, which took closer to four hours with the evening traffic. I was tired, really tired and annoyed, frustrated, etc.
Why God? Why did we travel close to 7 hours in uncomfortable conditions to sing songs to kids and to preach to one lady? Why? Don’t you want us to do more? We could have done that in our neighborhood, and had a bigger turn-out. We didn’t have to travel 7 hours for THAT. Why God? Why waste time? Why have us use up so much energy in dealing with such hectic travel? Why not have someone there reach out to those kids? Why bring us all that way when you have Christians already there? Why?
I wrestled. Other teammates wrestled. Some said it was worth it. Some said on one hand it’s worth it, on the other…I just don’t know. I was in the latter category. (Seriously…it was just a few kids songs, in a language they didn't even speak, and a message heard by a woman who was already a church elder.)
Again, in theory I believe it’s worth it. It’s easy to believe that when only a little effort has been put forth. It’s easy to believe when there’s been little-to-no cost at our own expense.
But when I came face to face with it…when I was the one putting in the effort, when I was the one who was exhausted and uncomfortable, sacrificing for the sake of others, giving up my time and energy…I wanted to SEE, to KNOW it was worth it…that my effort wasn’t for nothing….and knowing “in theory” goes out the window at that point. Totally out the window. Because honestly, that just doesn’t provide enough satisfaction.
And I’m still wrestling with it. God is allowing me to come to a place of realizing more, of seeing more, of believing more. He’s reminding me that I agreed to trust Him, to trust His ways…in faith that He is good, that He knows what He’s doing and that He is trustworthy. But it’s tough. (Thankfully He’s patient.) I’m wrestling…but also walking forward, growing, learning.
Typically in my blogs I like to take what I’m processing/experiencing and try to challenge you with it as well. But not this time. This time I just want to share that what I know and what I believe in my heart are very different. I want to share that I am learning (slowly) that faith comes at a cost, that glorifying God’s name over my own comes at a cost, that seeing is not believing, that God likes to sometimes go the long way around, that sometimes He is inefficient (to us), sometimes illogical (to us). I am learning by experience that either my faith is in Him alone or in my efforts and the results of those efforts.
I am learning things I already know. No, maybe I should re-phrase that. I am experiencing things that I already knew…and experiencing them, first hand, grows my faith in what before was only known, but not believed, not lived. And that process is fantastic…hard, challenging, frustrating, confusing and tiring…but so fantastic.
It is worth it. But I have to choose to embrace it. Simply knowing it is no longer enough.
