I'll preface this by saying, "At training camp, before The Race, we were repeatedly told to go into this year without any expectations." I thought I had that nailed down. No problem.
But I'm about to be really honest…I am discovering that I came into this year with a TON of expectations, and after realizing that, I've also discovered that I expected more than what I've encountered. Here we go…
I expected to be broken by the poverty I encountered more than I have.
I expected to be around people who would not complain.
I expected that I would never complain.
I expected every single day to be an adventure, FULL of LIFE.
I expected to see God more than I have.
I expected to grow more than I have.
I expected to seek and encounter Jesus more than I have.
I expected to have an impact more than I have.
I expected to embrace every person, and every place for the diversity they offer more than I have.
I expected to sin less than I have.
I expected to grow spiritually by leaps and bounds more than I have.
I expected to memorize more scripture than I have.
I expected to be more loving, more patient, more forgiving than I have been.
I expected to lead by example more than I have.
I expected this year to just "be" different, to change me all on it's own more than it has.
That's a lot of expectations for someone who said they didn't have any. And I am realizing why a lot of these have been so far off from reality. It's because of a theory I've been developing this year. And that theory is as follows: My year on the World Race is very much still real life.
Days aren't "more exciting" simply because I'm in another country. Sure they are sometimes, but not as a general rule. I am not more forgiving because I'm a missionary…I'm still me…making choices and working through things. God is not going to "move more" or "do more" simply because I'm serving…He will continue to move and do as He sees fit, and I will see as much as I allow myself to and as much as I pray into.
I am not reading my Bible more simply because I'm in the field…because movies, tv shows, games on my ipod, naps, internet, reading novels and every other distraction in real life is still very much present.
I'm sitting here frustrated that the year hasn't gone the way I expected. I'm frustrated at myself for not digging deeper or pushing myself harder. I'm frustrated that I expected more to happen to me without engaging and making the choice to seek those things out. I'm frustrated that I honestly don't "feel" like I've grown. Yes God has spoken some new things to me. Yes I have dived into His word more. Yes He is teaching me about patience and community and leadership and faith….but it's just like back home. It's a slow process that's full of questions. That's one thing I didn't expect. I thought my growth this year would be clear, consistent and easy.
Sometimes I wonder if I've squandered my time through more bad choices than good. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the most of this whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if God is saying, "You keep telling me you want to get your act together and grow in maturity, but you keep distracting yourself and you keep holding back out of fear of what it means to fully engage with me. How long are you going to keep it up?"
I don't know why I feel the need to share this publicly. Maybe because I want people at home to know, and any future racers to know that I'm still very much in the middle of real life. I'm still struggling to understand myself and how God works. I'm still struggling to just learn to fully live out of grace. I'm still struggling with growing up. I'm still struggling with growing as a man of faith, of patience, of honor, or selflessness, of readiness. It's still very much a journey. The Race hasn't "fixed" anything or made it easier. In fact, it may have just added to my questions or confusion.
Ugh, I'm just rambling. So, before this gets out of control…I'll try to bring it to a close. Hmmm….okay. I LOVE that I'm doing The Race. It's harder than I expected, in ways that I didn't expect. I often wonder if I'm making the most of it. But I don't want to be anywhere else. I really don't. I thought I would experience a lot more, but I remain hopeful that I will…that it isn't close to being over (a lot can happen in four months.) I'm often frustrated, with myself, or others, but I'm also often at peace and full of joy…so thankful for Jesus. Yup…just like real life. Confusing, hard, great, frustrating, awesome and full of surprises. And not at all what I expected.
