Okay…in my last blog I mentioned I was going to have some more mind blowing revelation from the story of Jepetath (or however that guy spelled his name.) But that's going to have to wait…because today I had a completely different revelation I'd like to share with you. (Maybe revelation's too strong of a word. Maybe it's too Christiany of a word. I don't know. But here's what I've got for you.)
One of the racers on D Squad asked me what I've learned from being a squad leader. As I verbally processed my answer over the course of 10 minutes, standing outside of a Habitat for Humanity house we're helping to build through Caminul Felix in the beautiful Romanian countryside, I came to this conclusion…
Being a squad leader has taught me (or re-taught me, or reminded me) I'm kind of a judgemental a-hole.
As I was talking my way through an answer to her question, I was realizing that I am finding that I am not as worried about what people think of me as much as I used to be. I'm not AS worried as I have been in the past about folks judging me by my actions. And that was a good feeling. A great feeling. Especially on a such a beautiful, sunny afternoon.
But that feeling didn't linger too long, because I quickly realized that I am often worried about being judged by others on my performance because….I often judge others by theirs. And since I operate that way, I assume others do too. I want to be liked, and so I hope (desperately) that I'm performing up to standard.
Then I realized what I really want to communicate to you. As I pray to God for growth, for maturity and refinement, He isn't really fixing my problem, He's revealing it. To me, and for me. As a gift.
And that sucks. It's a reality check, slap-in-the-face wake up call. And slaps hurt. They're painful, and they sting. The sting even lingers for awhile. But it captures attention. Crappy self-realization sucks even more when God speaks it through the people in your life. (Because, really, don't we long to hear how incredibly awesome we are? And when someone says something that doesn't sound awesome, we get offended, because it's the opposite of what we WANT to hear.) However, it is still a gift. Because it's a starting point. A starting point to choose to start partnering with God to change. No one enjoys crappy self-realizations. (They wouldn't be crappy if we liked it.) But that has to be the starting point. Otherwise we wouldn't really see a need to change in the first place.
Growth sounds really good…who wouldn't want to grow as a person? But here's the kicker, it sucks. It hurts. It's hard. It isn't fun. It's rewarding in the long run. In the short run though, it's kind of a pain in the ass. And I think that's why I often bail on the very things I've been praying for. Patience. Grace. Silence. Dying to self. Humility. Hope. Self-control. (Oh self-control…you seem impossibly hard to attain.) Growth isn't really super fun or joyful. The results are. Incredibly so! I LOVE the man God has grown me to be over the last three years! And I truly celebrate and rejoice at the incredible changes He's made. But the process is no joke. It will wrestle back. We have to endure it. And that's often why I give up. Because I get excited about the idea of growth (as you may be right now as you read) but when I ACTUALLY ENCOUNTER IT, it just sucks. It's hard and I want it to be over and done with.
So why am I writing this? My hope is that if you are a person who seeks growth, who seeks refinement, who seeks to become more mature…then embrace the pain, hurt and humiliation you will face as your weaknesses are pointed out to you. Don't retaliate. Don't point fingers back. We prayed for this. We asked for it. God is literally GIFTING us through pain. Through the hardness of it. Let's not bail on it. But rather, endure. Again, we ASKED for it. (Well, maybe we asked for the result…but we have to develop to become the result. God's not Nike. He doesn't just do it. He walks with us THROUGH it.) And let's choose to believe that it truly is worth it.
If you're a current World Racer, or even a future one…I encourage you to choose in the moment (that part is really important) to accept feedback with a heart of thanksgiving. It may seem close to impossible…and you may want to tell that person all the crap they suck at…but instead, choose to say thank you, and don't let go of the gift they just gave you. Even if that gift is a tiny slap on the wrist or a serious punch to the gut. Because it is an incredible gift…and for me personally, feedback on the World Race has been the single greatest point of origin for change. God has used feedback to grow me more than any ministry, experience, person, place or culture I've encountered while on The Race. Feedback has been the best gift God has given me. The hardest. But the absolute best.
Growth can hurt. A lot. But we need it. I need it. I am trying to choose to be thankful for it. And I have the bruises to show for it. But more importantly. I have a changed man to show for it. A VERY changed man.
