Here we are in Antigua, Guatemala for L Squad’s month 1 debrief. Debrief has been full of worship, teaching, conversations, exploration (and quality homemade chocolate and coffee, mmm).
Things had been going fairly well.
Then last night, during our free flow worship time, I began to feel frustrated. With myself and with God. I felt stagnant. I felt tired of not being able to hear God’s voice. God, I’ve been asking for more of You. All I want is intimacy with You. But I don’t know what that looks like. Can you show me? Speak to me? I knew that worship isn’t about me or about what I ‘get out of it,’ but about being a living sacrificing. But I was even getting tired of that. Of feeling like I was giving and asking but not getting any response. I just wanted to hear from Him when I asked if He had a word for me or for anyone in the room during worship. Lord, You don’t withhold any good things from Your children, do You? Didn’t you say to ask boldly, to knock? Why aren’t You answering me? If this is a relationship, why do I feel like I’m always having a one-way conversation with You? Perhaps I’m looking too hard or asking the wrong questions. Perhaps I’m being too impatient. Perhaps I just need to be faithful in what I know and what I have been given.
Well, in our hike up the Pacaya Volcano this morning, I waited expectantly for the Lord to tell me something. I really thought He was going to show me something at the top. Not in some booming voice, but just… something. I didn’t know what exactly to expect. But to be honest, while it was a great experience overall, God didn’t speak in the way I wanted Him to. So I guess I did have some sort of expectation, after all. He did reveal, though, that I can’t do anything without His strength. I was already tired the first half up, but I got a burst of energy after that and knew that it was His strength carrying me on. And through my frustration of not being able to capture any of these majestic views on my camera (due to weather and lighting), He also seemed to be saying that I should stop trying to capture Him, to define Him or analyze how He works. To instead just be and to know that He simply is. That wasn’t the satisfying, refreshing response I’d hoped for at the moment. But probably what I needed to hear.
I’m not ashamed to say I’m still struggling and wrestling. But I praise Him for what I did see today during the volcano adventure. And I trust that in His timing, God will reveal more of Himself to me. If I ask, I shall receive. Out with these road blocks and lies! I don’t want to make stuff up or doubt that I’m hearing Him. I don’t want to miss out on anything He’s telling me. I want to be a fully ready vessel that freely receives and gives. So Jesus, remind me of your blood. God, speak to me as a perfect Father does. And Spirit, test me and know me and counsel me. Open my eyes, my ears, my heart. All I want is more of You.
