I went to Gainesville, GA for the first time last week. What a sweet glimpse of the place I’ll soon call home! Haha, I never thought I’d end up more south than Durham, NC, where I went to school… But I’m actually really excited now! Not because of Gainesville (though I like it there!), but because of the community. I know that I’ll continue to thrive and reach new degrees of freedom with my CGA/AIM family as I navigate with them through dreams, books, prayers, music, and the simple yet radical life for Jesus.
So back to last week- why did I even go to Gainesville?
Well, we had a 3-day L Squad reunion and a retreat/conference called Project Searchlight for Racers who’ve just gotten back from the field. It’s meant to provide space to worship, process, learn about opportunities, and receive guidance for what’s next. We had amazing corporate worship, speakers, and small group coaching sessions. But all of that wasn’t even what truly made the week for me. It was that Jesus met me and spoke to me and romanced me through everything. I needed it so badly, too.
I already knew going into Searchlight that I’d be heading to a year at the CGA in September, so my purpose for the week was just to get some solitude and rest in the Lord, as well as some solid teaching.
The first few weeks back in the States had been kind of crazy. I’d been productive in the worldly sense, being proactive in scheduling meals and coffee dates with a ton of people- high school, college, new friends- and having awesome conversations. I even saw the Lord answer prayers to bless all of those encounters.
But ultimately, I didn’t feel at rest or at peace. It didn’t help that I wasn’t going home and being greeted by hugs from family and home cooked meals. I knew what was missing, though. I’d neglected to devote as much time to dwelling in the secret place, in His presence. I was, once again, doing instead of being. Or I suppose doing before being. How do I act like someone I haven’t spent time with? The order of things is a high priority for Jesus. In all things, He wants my heart first.
So as I lay in bed the night before flying to Georgia, my heart aching with longing for more intimacy, I asked God, What happened between us? Why don’t I feel rested?
And I felt Him whisper, You abandoned me.
It wasn’t a voice of condemnation. It was simply one of sadness, one of a father grieving and missing his daughter. And it hit me. It made me really sad. That’s how I know it was from the Lord. I didn’t feel guilty. I just felt sad and repentant because I’d grieved Him. I’d abandoned my Daddy and Lover and Best Friend for people and conversations meant to glorify Him. I’d missed the point. All He wanted was to spend more time with me. He had never left my side. But I had left Him, veering off on a little side path, saying, I’ll be right back, Dad!, but wandering off a bit too long and too far.
And again at Searchlight, when my coaching team was doing listening prayer, I heard Him say, Just don’t leave me.
It broke me. Those two phrases- you abandoned me and just don’t leave me– sound a whole lot like stuff we would normally say to God. But this time, He was saying it to me. And my only response could be, I’m so, so sorry. I won’t leave You. I missed you and it hurt to be away from You. I felt it.
Even what seemed like a slight interruption in my relationship with Jesus had a huge effect on me, and I guess it’s like any relationship- the closer you get, the more you notice how much the little things help or hurt your intimacy.
Those whispers from my saddened Father were the start of His ushering me into His arms again, embracing me fully when I returned to Him. Over and over again at Searchlight, He emphasized to me the importance of intimacy with Him. That’s what He wanted. He wanted me to lay down everything else and to choose a path of intimacy with Him. I asked for words/phrases for the next season. He gave me: just be. intimacy. worship. daughtership. inheritance.
Wow. Everything just clicked. Jesus is pursuing me hardcore. And I’m loving every bit of it. How can I say no to a divine romance?!? This is what I’ve been seeking!! I just can’t get enough; life is so much sweeter here. 🙂 I’m beyond excited to live out those prophetic words.
In what ways has the Lord been pursuing you and seeking intimacy with you? And in what ways have you been pursuing Him and seeking intimacy with Him?
