On Sunday, a group of us went to a rock quarry to celebrate my friend’s birthday. We were all excited but had varying degrees of nerves about jumping into the water from ~18 feet above. When we first got there, I glanced down and sighed in relief because it wasn’t as high as I’d envisioned. I knew I’d be scared to jump regardless, but hey, it was slightly reassuring. To a lot of people, an 18-foot jump is probably not a big deal, but I won’t deny that I was nervous! I’m not one to initiate adventure, but I am very open to trying new things. (Or at least… trying to try new things? Haha, maybe that counts for something.)
As I stood on the ledge, I felt a fear of jumping off coupled with a fear of hitting the large rock that jutted out just under the surface of the water. I was so scared of hitting the rock, even though I watched as multiple people ran and leapt from the cliff, safely splashing in the warm water below.
The first time I made a run for it, my feet stuttered. I halted just at the edge, nerves holding me back. We all burst out laughing. (Yes, I was in fact the only one to fake out with a ‘run-and-not-jump.’)
But I’d told myself I would do it. I was going to do this. I just wanted to get over my fear and have fun with it!
So I ran a second time and though I hesitated a bit, I successfully threw myself in the air. The first fifty milliseconds felt like forever, then the next thing I knew I was beneath the surface, feeling my legs graze the rock that I’d been terrified of hitting. If I’d been any closer, I actually might have smashed into the rock… My immediate thought? Oh. My. Gosh. That was close. Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me safe.
Naturally, I was really scared of going again. Yet I knew I wanted to do it, that my desire would eventually outweigh my fear.
This time, I made my way back up and fought my fear by just breathing in the beauty of His creation. God, it’s all You. I know You’ll catch me when I fall. It still took a good five minutes before I felt the nudge to go for it. Still, I was glad I did because it was so much better than the first time! So refreshing 🙂
As dramatic as all this might sound, this is legitimately what went on in my head. And I know that God spoke to me through this experience; I suppose that’s what matters! It seems like the theme of the past week (maybe even the past month) has been to jump out against my fear. And whoa, did I have some fears… I know it’s possible to land safely in the water, but will I? I know God CAN provide financially, but WILL He?? I believe that He works miracles, that through Him all things are possible… but I wondered, what if He doesn’t want me to go in September? Or at all? What if He tells me to do something else last minute? I wasn’t ready for that possibility.
But why not?
As my friend lovingly pointed out, it wasn’t because I necessarily lacked faith—but because I lacked TRUST. I wasn’t trusting in His good and perfect plans for me (Jer 29:11, Rom 8:28). I wasn’t trusting that 1) as far as I know, the Lord has called me to go, and thus He’ll equip and provide. So my prayers should be bold; and 2) IF He does happen to show me I’m not going in September, I’ll be ready for that when it comes. He’ll still be there to guide my every step.
It’s a matter of leaping out in faith. Not backing out because I barely survived the first cliff jump, not giving up because I barely have enough funds…. but rather going ALL IN because I survived, and because I’ve made it financially this far. And with even more prayer, more support, more trust in His goodness, I’m even more certain that I can fall nowhere else but into the ocean of His grace.
The spirit of timidity is NOT of God; I want SO badly to be unshakably confident and joyful in my divinely appointed task. (2 Tim 1:7). I want to be His faithful servant. I want to fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith until the very end! (2 Tim 4:7) Whatever that looks like, Lord, I commit myself to Your will.
Once I jump off, there’s no going back, no controlling where I go. And the bigger the fall, the more I taste HIS mercy and grace. WHOA.
