I delight in the warmth emanating from the fireplace.
I even get high from breathing in whatever is in those flames.
And sometimes, I get this perfect view of my friends dancing around the fire, then even making rounds to go build other fires, inadvertently leaving a trail of flickering flames behind them.
It’s perfect, until I stop and wonder…
Why don’t I do that? Have my own fire? And go around building and starting other fires?
What’s rising up in me?
Is something being ignited in me?
Is this… my own flame?
I’ve mentioned before that I take comfort in being bossed around by God. But perhaps I’ve neglected to acknowledge just how comfortable I’ve also been being directed by other people. I have contented myself for far too long with taking the back seat. It has become my default position. And I certainly don’t mind. In fact, I kind of like having the reputation of the easygoing, agreeable person who doesn’t add more opinions and conflict to the group than necessary.
I suppose I never recognized there being anything wrong with staying warm by other fires, especially when I knew that they were all being fueled by the Holy Spirit anyhow. Why step away and suffer the frigid air as I risk unsuccessfully starting another fire?
But alas, I sense that it’s time to find my own flame. And I believe that Abba, in His infinite mercy, has called me to do so without needing to completely step away from the warmth of the fire I’ve known. That’s what this family is for. My family (in Worship Track particularly) has helped me, simply by being who they are, to awaken something in me. It’s something that had been settling embers, abandoned in discouragement.
Yet again, in His infinite grace, He is rekindling and rebirthing.
He is recycling.
And I can’t get over how the recycled parts pieced together can be so much more beautiful than the original. Only You, Lord, only You.
Because as I bring all these dirty, broken, abused parts- I know that He will recycle them. As I scream and throw a fit because I don’t know who the heck I am anymore, I know He sits calmly, shedding tears in my pain and delighting in my presence. I know He sees the perfection in the finished product that I can’t yet comprehend. He sees how this moment is pivotal preparation for crazy Kingdom business.
This is my identity crisis x.0, to be continued. And this is my new motto, regarding this little light of mine:
OWN IT, FUEL IT, SHARE IT.
Praise God that His grace covers all the awkward stumbling so that I don’t burn myself silly in the process (:
