I took a plunge into the deep end.
God told me He would keep me afloat there but He could also take me to the sunny shore.
I had taken that plunge not because I had to but because I wanted to, because I had the option to, and I thought that it would grow me more in maturity, reliance on the Father, and strength through guaranteed difficulty.
But what if God can still take me deeper into the unknown and teach me who I am regardless of whether I’m in seemingly deep or shallow waters? Have I limited Him to only teaching me the trials in the obvious depths and danger zones? I must have slipped into the belief that I can only grow most through hardships and suffering.
His revelation doesn’t discriminate, though.
Jesus wants to reveal things to and about me and He is by no means limited by the medium through which He does it.
I knew that my markers for this season would be identity, intimacy, and daughtership. I also knew that the Lord could use both the pioneer women’s Kingdom Journey and a year at the CGA as I’d originally committed.
I went for the obviously challenging one, the one that would clearly put me out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.
Why? Because I wanted to grow.
But this week God reminded me that I live in freedom, and that He was blessing me with the same freedom of choice I had at the beginning. I could go on Kingdom Journey and He’d teach and bless me tons through it, or I could still decide to stay in Gainesville. The last few weeks, I was feeling more and more unsettled and doubtful about my decision to go. But each time I desired to stay because of the amazing things that I knew I could have if I stayed, I kept blaming my dumb FOMO (fear of missing out). I kept reminding myself of the word that He’d bless both paths and that I committed to a decision. Yet the nagging doubts wouldn’t leave; they only worsened. Then I fought some more lies that I should feel guilty and that I shouldn’t change my mind because I’d be letting people down.
But that’s all from accusation and fear. AKA NOT TRUTH.
Fear was holding me captive, and that was no way to be living, whether I leave or stay.
The tension within me became unbearable. I wanted to remain firm in my commitment, but my heart wanted to stay. At first I thought it was just my fleshly desire to stay, but I know it’s my heart. So it felt like I was being torn away from my heartbeat. I was getting so excited about what we’re doing in the Worship Track and all the possibilities that lie ahead with music, worship, community, and my calling. I felt like it would be an injustice to my Kingdom Journey team as well if my heart wasn’t completely in it. And that wasn’t something I wanted to force or fake for even a second.
The Lord prompted me to devote some intense time of prayer to this decision, and He promised to reveal with peace and confirmation which option would be better at this time in my life.
I trusted, doubted, trusted, prayed, and trusted some more… and ultimately saw the bigger picture answer.
It is in fact okay for me to want to be a part of the community and life-giving things going on here. It is okay for me to not want to miss out on some things. It is okay for me to have desires fulfilled. It is okay for me to not always learn things the hard way.
Sometimes, Jesus doesn’t want me to even seek the growth so much. He just wants me to enjoy Him and delight in the green pastures. He wants to speak tenderly to me as He holds me close. Out of that I am growing; I’m growing closer to His heart and that’s ultimately what I want anyway. I love when He scoops me up amidst a storm, but maybe it’s time for me to sit and receive, knowing that sitting is enough. He’ll whisper those same words when I do nothing as when I’m crying out to Him desperately because I don’t know where I am.
And guess what? Jesus had coated everything with grace before I even knew what was going on. He was so gentle with me. He affirmed me and encouraged me. Now He is giving me unconditional love and support through everyone, especially my Kingdom Journey team (thank you, beautiful sisters). I could not be more in awe of His leadership right now.
After I made my decision to stay at the CGA, I had immediate peace, joy, and excitement. I’d prayed for at least three obvious signs of confirmation, and as I told my friends, I’ve had ten people (up to date) tell me that they had strong inklings or prophetic knowledge that I was supposed to stay, but that they knew I was supposed to come to the conclusion between just me and God.
I’m simply astounded. I’m seeing just how much He sees and knows the unspoken things in my heart, and how much He wants to teach me through every process. He delights not in my confusion or lack of peace, but in the fact that I’ve learned so much more about Him and myself through the decision-making journey. Refinement is so beautiful like that.
[Galatians 5:1]
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
