I like to be prepared. I’m also a bit of an outdoor gear lover. So when I came on the race, I came in full glory with all of my awesome gear. All of my teams have joked that whatever we need, I probably have. Hammock, bug net, para cord, crazy creek chair, steripen and filter, batteries, extra headlamp, solar charger, external battery, carabineers, solar shower, bungee cords, traveling pharmacy, lots of clothes, etc…I’ve basically carried around 90lbs worth of bags every travel day on the off chance that I might need some of these items. Some were well worth bringing, others not so much. The hammock, bug net, camp chair, and external battery turned out to be really great decisions. I haven’t used the solar shower once, the solar charger only a couple of times.
Now I believe that it is good to be prepared and ready for anything, but some of us (cough, cough…this is where I come in) like to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. Just call me Miss Independent. I can manage on my own thank-you-very-much. Part of it is that I don’t like burdening people by asking for help, but God has been showing me that a lot of it is my prideful reluctance to rely on others or even be vulnerable in a way that says I need people. Thankfully, God didn’t choose to show me this lesson by allowing all of my stuff to be stolen. But, perhaps I wasn’t in a place where that happening would have lead to growth….a major theme of the race has been learning to trust God completely; funny because I thought I trusted Him before, but I guess sometimes you have to tear things down to build them better. Anyway, I know that possessions are just possessions and they can be replaced, but in a lot of ways (although I never would have admitted it before) I clung to these things that could make me as comfortable as possible while on the race where comfort isn’t always guaranteed. I wasn’t trusting that God was enough to get met through anything that might arise, and I needed to provide for such moments on my own strength. I just want to stop here and clarify what an awful lesson this is for a stubborn and hard-head, prideful person to learn because I’ve ended up spending the better part of 8 months trying to let go of all of the ways I hold on to self-control and self-reliance. The even dumber part is that I’ve been trying to let go in my own strength. The truth of the matter is this: everything I am, my very existence, even the very next breath that I take and the oxygen that fills my lungs; exactly zero of that is in my control and 100% is God’s. God and I have this thing where He always wants me to choose to do things on my own free will. Choose, Lynn, whether or not you are going to trust me and operate off of the assumption that I am good even in the midst of a fallen world and sin around you…choose to speak for Me…choose to die to yourself…choose to love as I love even when it costs you…choose to rely on me. CHOOSE ME.
So here I am 8 months later and finally seeing this come full circle. I don’t want all of this crap that I carry around anymore…both physically, emotionally, whatever. It’s time to do a little spring cleaning and the first thing to go is all of the unnecessary crap that I have in my bag. Most of the pills, creams, vitamins, meds, face wash, sunscreen, etc is being ditched. Unnecessary gear will either be sent home or donated. And all of the clothes that I don’t wear are going to the dump (which I’m sure the people who live in the dump will find a use for). I tried to go a little overboard and drop my tent, but there’s a chance I might need that, so I’m reluctantly keeping it. I dropped 20lbs!
I wonder, if I’m finding crazy amounts of freedom by letting go of physical things, how much more freeing is it when we let go of spiritual, emotional things? Swaziland has been a month of freedom for me. Of God showing up, allowing me to step out in faith, changing my eyes to see different perspectives, and breaking my heart for the people of this country. God is abundantly more than we need in any situation. GOD IS ENOUGH. I don’t have to try to be enough and I can never be enough. But God is. He is enough for you and He is enough for me. You don’t have to drag a huge utility belt of crap and talents around to make it through; He equips you as you need it. I am equipped not because I am prepared, but because God is in me and provides for me and watches over me. I am equipped…I AM has equipped me.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2nd Corinthians 12:9
