Blog 3 Ukraine
Most of you may not know this, some of you probably do, but I am really hard on myself.
I have this internal voice that preaches perfectionism over all that I do.
It’s really degrading, actually, and horribly unforgiving.
As a result of my internal voice of criticism, I often time flounder, wallowing in self-pity for all the ways I don’t perceive myself to measure up. It’s terrible.
I constantly hear,
“Well you could of done that better.”
“You could of tried harder.”
“You need to loose weight.”
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“You should try to be more put together.”
“You should of done it that way.
“You’re not doing it right.”
The list could go on, but you get the point.
As God began to point this out, telling me that living with such a harsh voice—keeps me living in defeat and grieves His spirit, I felt so convicted.
I confessed of my perfectionism and asked for him to begin to uncover WHY I have a such a harsh voice over myself.
The truth is it all spans from everyone’s BEST friend, and I say that with all sarcasm, insecurity.
I never realized that insecurity could literally reside in so many facets and pieces of one’s heart. But it can…my eyes have been opened to the harsh reality of insecurity in my life, particularly through reading, “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore.
Thank God for insight, clarity and healing.
I could go into depth about where these insecurities come from but I won’t. Instead, I’ll just say that they were unfortunate moments in my history when security in my life was breached whether through insatiability at home, loss of a loved one, or succumbing to the idealized belief of what Western culture says is beautiful and believing I couldn’t measure up.
In one-way or another, we ALL face circumstances that breed insecurity in us to various degrees; it’s inevitable. I think the issue is when we habitually reside in our insecurities, when we function out of them, when we perceive our world and ourselves through a lens of INSECURITY. (Matthew 6:22, 23)
That’s where my story comes in.
I have been battling against insecurity for years now. Who knew it would be such a fight?
I finally began to take a stance against this malicious foe 3 years ago, my junior year of college, and it’s been an upward climb since. There have been set backs, tears, and days of defeat. The joy is though, in the grand scheme, because I dwell in the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 63:7), I do have the victory.
So, right now I am learning.
Learning what triggers my insecurities.
Learning how NOT to foster them in my heart and spirit.
Learning to continually CHOOSE to reside in my Father’s presence.
Learning to stop the unhealthy habits of coping I turn to when I feel insecure.
Learning to accept myself just as I am. (This one is a tough one—I have my good days and my bad days.)
Learning to identify the harsh voice I have over myself.
Learning to combat the lies of who I should be, what I should look like, what I should do…
Learning to find all my security in God (Psalm 62:2),
after all He is the father who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)
He is secure.
