I wrote this blog a few weeks ago in Vietnam. I couldn’t post until now.
It’s true.
I can hear my friends Maggie and Michelle respond in a playful, condescending way as they mutter the word “sinner”…followed by a burst of laughter because we know how fun it is to Jesus juke one another.
(So what is Jesus juke? I like the way stuffchristianslike.net explains: “It’s like a tiny little ‘shame grenade’ you throw into an otherwise harmless conversation and then watch it splatter everyone in guilt and condemnation.”)
But really, the past few weeks I’ve struggled with God. I’m slowly learning more about what a relationship with our Father looks like. I’m discovering what it is to be real in my faith, that it is ok to question, to be a mess, and to not feel like reading the Bible.
Let’s get to the backstory. Cambodia was a challenging month for me. I was a hot mess because it was a ba-zillion degrees outside. Ok maybe a ba-zillion and two. But that month I learned so much about faith over feelings. To get through the day I would read my bible every morning, worship my heart out, and fall into our Savior’s arms each night. You know, all of that– I’m so on fire for Jesus stuff.
But it was REAL.
I had this great faith and I knew God would move. And our Father was so faithful and abounding in promise because He redeemed that month.
Well, just as relationships evolve and change over time, God wanted to teach me something different this month. He wanted to take me deeper, but I kept using an old equation for a new solution. And that was the problem, it became an equation. Suddenly everything was out of obligation. I was dreading reading the Word, worship became an expectation, and my conversations with God were, dare I say, tedious. I was miserable, empty, and surely the worst Christian on earth.
What madness!!! None of that is the heart of our Father. But it happened to me, I was trying to serve the Lord out of works.
Rather than mindlessly reading another Psalm, I prayed to God to renew my heart in this and I stopped reading the Bible.
Our team had a prayer walk this morning on the beach, we use this time to worship and pray for our ministry. We start on a gigantic rock that overlooks the ocean, then we separate to have one-on-one time with the Lord.
Usually I adore this precious time. And sometimes, in the midst of praise I may or may not obnoxiously frolic along the shore.
But this morning I could not move because I knew that whatever came out of my mouth would not be genuine.
I sat still and cried on the rock. I was so upset that I did not want to sing and shout like a holy maniac. I laid back on the rock with my arms spread and looked up to the overcast sky. I did not think or pray, all I could do was listen to the words of worship. Thank God for Tomlin and Hillsong during a moment like this.
As I laid there, on my rock, I heard the Lord tell me do not feel guilty. You are my beloved child, just let go, and let me do the rest.
So I was still.
That’s the joy of our relationship with the Almighty Creator. We can be still, a mess, desperate, and empty. There is nothing wrong when our relationship with God is stagnant or feels empty. There is nothing to prod, fix, diagnose, or find a solution to. We just need to keep our faith and focus on the One who holds us together. God will move and take us somewhere greater because He makes all things new.
I love reading the Bible. It is the greatest tool I have to hear from the Lord and to learn how to live and love like Jesus. It is overflowing with truth, guidance, and the love of our Father.
I can’t wait to dive into the word again, but this small break is a reminder that a relationship with our Father is not earned. It’s already been paid. It’s not about what we do or don’t do, but what our Savior did.
Sometimes we may not be on fire, we may be a mess. But that will never change what Jesus did for us, nor can it alter our faith or love for Him.
You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.
Those who want to kill me will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over to the sword and become food for jackals.
But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced. –Psalm 63
Well lookie here…a Psalm. Things are looking up 🙂
