My worth is not determined by the numbers on a scale.
My worth is not determined by when I have or have not failed.
My worth is not determined by what oceans I have sailed.
My worth is in the hands of the man who’s scarred from nails.
This past month in South Africa has been anything but consistent. We arrived in Port St. John to work at one ministry and then a series of events caused us to have to leave. Because of this, we ended up actually working for three different ministries in just four weeks. Though this was unplanned and even stressful at times, it really taught me a lot about God and ultimately led to incredible strength in Him.
I felt such a deep sorrow with having to leave our ministry early. There were several reasons, but I’ll just expand on one. Solomon, our host, is a 6’3” 120 pound man who is so underweight because he gives up everything he has, including his meals. This is crazy to me especially because he is such an amazing cook! He is the perfect example being fed or hungry serving the Lord. When we were in the boys home we paid our host $5 a day per person for our meals. This amount of money not only fed us, but it also fed the entire ministry of the boys home (that’s about 23 people). So on top of leaving relationships we were just forming, we were also leaving the ministry knowing that we were taking away that money that was helping to pay for the boys’ food everyday.
I brought this to the Lord and, through much prayer, I decided it was time to fast. I have never fasted in my life from food. I haven’t done this because in my past, I have struggled with not always eating healthily out of insecurity. So, I had never fasted because I didn’t want to fast and say it was for the Lord, but really it was because of this insecurity. God and insecurity don’t go together and I would be lying to the Lord and myself if I tried to put them together. I gave Solomon my lunch money for the following week and decided to pray during lunch for their ministry instead of eating. God truly covered my heart in this and I can honestly say that I did this fast without insecurity attached to it. That God would give me that strength and allow me to fast and in this way, in itself, was a miracle.
As I fasted, I thought back to the first weekend we had serving at our ministry. During a camping trip we did with the boys, a young girl gave up her meal one night to make sure that one of the boys had enough to eat. When I asked her if she was hungry she responded “it doesn’t matter if I am hungry, God will make me full”. I was mesmerized by what amazing faith she had. As I fasted, I realized that I never even felt hungry at lunch. God had made me content and I was able to focus on prayer and ministry without the distraction of hunger.
I don’t need a scale to tell me my worth. I don’t need a scale to tell me to workout. I don’t need a scale to tell me I feel healthy. For these reasons, I don’t need a scale at all in the next 11 months. I desire to workout every day (if possible) while on the race, because I love working out and I love taking care of my body. I love eating healthy because I know it’s going to benefit me in my future. That’s it. No numbers. No more questions of “Did I gain or loose weight?” Just one day at a time, take care of yourself.
Our situation over the month was inconsistent at best: where we were doing ministry constantly changed, my weight seemed to constantly change, and emotions were constantly changing… but I serve a Lord who will never change. He is consistent. He is a provider. He has proven Himself more than faithful. And His faithfulness has proven to me that I can be content in all situations. I can do His work anywhere, fed or hungry. And I don’t need a scale to feel worthy of His love. It is free and to me, but it came at a great cost to Him. And He chose me just the way I am.
