I think one of the biggest realizations that I’ve had in the past few months is that I’m ashamed of fundraising.
I spent a solid four months actively fundraising and looking for support without thought, yet when the donations started to slow down, so did my drive. I began to be more aware of the fact that I was/currently am asking people for money; and a lot of money at that.
I began to doubt that I could reach my goals, because how do you raise money when you’ve already asked everyone you know. It seems rude to ask again, and it seems annoying to keep posting about raising support on social media.
The other day I deleted a Facebook post about asking for donations because I felt I was being obnoxious for posting too much in too short of a time. Right once I posted, I prayed for God to take control, but I let pride and shame get in the way of that. Not even ten minutes after I made the post, I went back and deleted it.
In doing so, I took away that control that I had presumably gave to God. As it turns out, I never even reclaimed control of the situation, I let the enemy fill me with pride and shame.
I am prideful in the sense that I don’t want to personally ask anyone to donate because I don’t want them to reject me. I feel ashamed that I even have to ask, or ask people again, for money.
Although I know that these seeds of doubt have been planted in my mind, its so easy to let them take over. Even now, as Im writing this, I had to ask for reassurance in what I was doing to make sure that six days was a long enough wait to post another blog.
Its easy to want to trust in God fully and give my life to Him, but it’s easier to let worldly thoughts consume my mind. God does things in His time, not mine.
So my prayer for today, and everyday, is that I humble myself before others, and before the Lord. That I don’t feel shame for asking for help and that I don’t let my pride stand in the way of giving control to God. I pray for sufficient grace and faith that I may completely put my trust in God.
“Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7
