It blows my mind to think about the fact that in this life of mine, I could go days, weeks, even months without crying out to God. Many Americans would consider this to be a blessing; that my life is comfortable enough to not be desperate for, or dependent on, anyone else. In this corner of the world, we pride ourselves on our abundance.
If we are sick, we take medicine.
If we are hungry, we stop by McDonalds.
If we are tired, we can lie down in our comfortable beds, in the safety of our own homes.
If we are confused or need guidance, we can pull out our cell phones to call our friends, family, or spiritual leaders.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things… Except that they leave room for God only as an after-thought.
As a quick prayer (after we've swallowed 4 Asprin) that the medicine will make the pain go away quickly.
As praying that God will speak through you, or the person whom you are calling, instead of sitting still and listening for His voice yourself.
This complete lack of dependence on God has become more evident to me in the past couple days than it has ever been. Last night was my very first hard goodbye. The kind in which you truly don't know when you may ever hug this person again. Not an "Okay, I'll see you in a year" goodbye, but a "Take care of yourself. I'll see ya when I see ya" goodbye. I realize that within the next several weeks, I'm going to be having a lot of these moments. I've been prepared for tearful goodbyes in my final days here, and in those final moments at the airport. But this one… It caught me off guard. I cried hard and asked God how in the world I was going to make it through the next 4 weeks of preparation without this person's guidance.
When I finally got control of myself enough to listen for His answer, all I could hear was: "My grace is sufficient. Seek me." He showed me that I had placed my reliance on my sweet, but human friend, instead of on my Heavenly Friend. In this crazy world where it is abnormal to relax, sit still, and listen, I had "sought first" the text messages, , late night phone calls, and discussions in hopes that God would speak through those moments. And I fully believe that He did! God desires for us to have community and build one another up.
But He will ALWAYS desire for us to seek Him first. To look to Him. To listen for His voice. And to trust that He will provide all that is necessary.
I had almost forgotten the reason why I fell in love with the World Race in the first place. When I applied in December, I had been swept off of my feet by the idea of serving "the least of these", but more importantly by the opportunity to witness and learn from their complete dependence on God for their every need. The most basic things that we take for granted are things that these people trust in Him for in every moment of their lives. From the moment that God allows them to wake up in the morning until the moment that they fall asleep on their mud floors, He is all that is guaranteed.
To say that such a lifestyle inspires me would be an understatement.
I long for a life of utter surrender and dependence; of knowing that my life was never mine to control in the first place; of NEEDING him for every single breath I take. It's going to take saying quite a few more "hard goodbyes", and letting God break me of those things that I think that I need.
But I am confident that one day, I will make it to that quiet place. The place where it will be just me and God, and I can ask with full confidence: "Alright, Love. Now what?"
