As I've had time to think and freak out about all the things that I just posted on the internet in my last blog, I've marveled at the fact that I actually did it. But the bottom line is that it is God's story, not mine. I can't hold onto it. As much as I would like to hold on to the closed off, enigmatic person that I've always been, I don't think that's what God wants for me. I don't think that's what He wants for anyone.
I was a junior in college, about three years ago, when an aquaintance, Caleb Dufresne, was visiting school. He told me about how he was going on the World Race and gave me a little piece of paper with all the information. It sounded like pretty much the most awesome thing ever, and I basically knew right then that I wanted to do it. Knowing that I was going to go on the race is what helped me in getting through my senior year. So finally I graduated, applied the summer after school ended, got accepted and spent 7 months at home, working, raising money and making way too many lists of things I needed to do and buy.
To be honest, this year has not really been what I wanted, but it has for sure been what I needed. I am not going to revisit all the things that I have experienced and gone through since this journey started, you can read all my blogs if you haven't already. But I do want to talk about a few important themes in my life throughout the past year and half. I've realized that in my blogs I kind of just talk about whatever, but that the biggest things I focus on in life, I tend to forget that they might not be common knowledge, or I haven't figured out how to talk about them yet.
Honduras
First of all, I am returning to Honduras. I've known I was going back basically ever since I arrived, but I realize not everyone knows that. I am going from the beginning of March until the end of May and while I am there I will be praying about whether God wants me to return for longer or move on to something else.
Surrender
Basically I believe surrender is one of the most very important keys to the Christian life. Surrender is the beginning of everything. I believe control is at the root of human sin, and surrender to God is the counteraction that shows that we are truly His disciples. After confessing with your mouth and believing in your heart, surrender comes next. If you aren't going to give up your life to God, then your confession was empty and your belief is meaningless. It's not instantaneous, as we grow and live we have to continue surrendering sin, struggles and control. Change in my life has always come after surrender, after I have told God "I choose you over [anything and everything, fear, future plans, boys, depression, a certain sin, etc.]".
Know this: God doesn't act in your life until you ask Him to. Not until you surrender your action, desire and future, until you choose Him and His will over anything else. There's no way around it. If you want to grow, you have to surrender. If you are unwilling to surrender, then literally you are choosing death, stagnation and to live outside of the fullness of God's goodness.
Endurance
If you are choosing stagnation in some area of your life, choosing not to surrender, then you are missing something else that I believe is crucial to the Christian life. Endurance. There are two parts to endurance, to keep going and to press forward. In part it is to never give up, but it also includes seeking more.
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." -Hebrews 12:1'
"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win." -1 Corinithians 9:24
Runners don't run a race expecting not to finish. Our life must show that we expect to reach Heaven. Serious runners, the ones to whom running is their life, don't run a race expecting to lose. Our life must show that we are not content to lose. Not content to reach less than our potential. Continually surrendering all to God, always pressing forward, giving up control, entering into new levels of relationship with the Lord.
The Love of God
This is lesson that I am having the hardest time learning: that God loves me and there is nothing I can do about it. I spent most of my life believing I had to earn God's love, not being able to, and thinking He didn't love me. But guess what, I can't control God. I can't get away from His love by ignoring Him, and I can't make Him forgive me and think well of me by apologizing and spending extra time reading the Bible. He has already forgiven me, He doesn't love or not love me because of anything I do. He loves me because he CHOOSES to love me. He loves me exactly the same every moment of the day simply because I am His child and He chooses to. In fact, He delights in me, and you, and all of His children.
I used to pray that God would show me His love and I expected a warm feeling and some great vision. But what I have received is an abundance of brothers and sisters in Christ who daily show me His love. I have a life story that is a testament to His love, a knowledge of His word which assures me of His love and the blessing of the Holy Spirit in my life which assures me that God has a plan for my life because of His love for me. And those things are a million times better.
Identity
It was in Rwanda that I really began to understand that God loves me and how much He values His children. I struggle with the belief that God's purpose in saving me is solely for the advancement of the kingdom, so that others would come to believe. That the lost sheep is more important than the sheep of the flock. But God doesn't care about your relationship with people and how you treat them more than He cares about His relationship with you. He didn't save you so that you could then save other people, He saved you because He loves you and wants to be with you. Our relationship with God must come before our relationship with other people. When our eyes are focused on the Lord, when we are filled with Him, only then will we be able to truly put other's needs before our own.
I realy struggle with finding my worth in Christ and in nothing else. Not only have I always thought that other people's relationship with God is more important than mine, but I have also valued other's opinions above God's. What He is teaching me right now is to not find my worth in anything but Him. Honestly I don't know how to do that. I catch myself all the time now when I start to do things for the wrong motivation. But I still struggle with finding affirmation from Him alone. Sometimes I still get jealous over friendships, or insecure if I haven't gotten called pretty enough lately or worthless when I don't feel like I am contributing anything good. But even if those things are true, they are never going to get better until I give up worrying about them and focus on God to show me how to be a good friend, be beautiful on the inside and how to contribute in the way He has created me to. For me depression and discontentment always stem from finding worth and fulfillment out of the wrong things.
I apologize for how long these two blogs have been. I don't fully know God's purpose for having me write all this, but I hope that it has been a blessing to you in some way. If you have any questions about absolutely anything, please ask! Like I said, this is God's story and not mine, a testimony to His grace. To His grace I attribute all aspects of my life, from rescuing me from my own darkness, to every blessing, to giving me just a little bit of insight into what it means to walk in relationship with Him. If you get anything from reading this, let it be that the same freedom, relationship, intimacy and discipleship He has given me, He desires the same and more for YOU. I promise.
