What happens when you let your heart get too close to something or something? Do you feel like you have made a mistake in doing so, causing yourself undesired pain? Or do you allow yourself to feel the pain and take it as a blessing from God?
One thing that I have learned from the race is:
Goodbyes suck.
I have 3 days until I am leaving and I am already an emotional wreck. These next few days are going to be full of heartache. Honestly up until this point on the race I have not been emotionally attached to many of my ministries. Yes, I loved them. Yes, I felt the love they provided. Yes, I felt all the emotions connected there but leaving was not something that I got overwhelmingly emotional about.
Until Rwanda… Where you are holding back tears saying goodbye in front of church, when you are holding back tears so you are not crying in a coffee shop while typing a messy blog, and when you have an empty feeling in your stomach when you think about leaving.
Leaving hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts because I have feel in love multiples times with Rwanda. It hurts because I’m saying goodbye to kids that I have taught all month. I’m saying goodbye to my brothers and sisters in Christ that have welcomed me with so much love. It hurts because I let my heart break for what breaks the heart of the Lord and allowed myself to love deeply.
I have become attached to the family that we are living with.
I have adopted the church family here in Rwanda.
I have adopted my Rwandan name as Ingabire.
I have became the teacher of the children here.
Sometimes when we know we aren’t going to stay in one place or be with the same people for very long, it’s hard for us to love. It’s difficult to give our everything for a short period of time when we know we can just make ourselves numb to what we see. Short hellos make for easy goodbyes, but diving into the heart of another culture or person’s story is what changes a life.
My heart and mind where not ready for the goodbyes to begin. In my mind I had forgot that I was only going to be here for a month and that I was going to have to leave. In my mind I had countless amounts of time with these children and families…. And now it all comes to an end when I have to leave.
“God, why did I let myself fall in love with this country and these families here just to let me leave?” “Why did I allow myself to feel this love that is now causing me pain?” “Why did I become so attached?”
And I still don’t have an answer for this yet. I’m sure God is working up a really good revelation for me up there but until then it is hard. It is hard to let go and say goodbye to something that has become something so much like home to me.
One thing I do know if that before the race I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, and I know that his love needed to be translated to them. Not through words but through actions. Exactly like Jesus did for all of us.
I also know that it is not possible for me to love Rwanda as much as Jesus does. His love for them, and for myself, is not something that can be measured. While it is impossible for me to show that amount of love to anyone that I meet, this is what I have been called on the race to do. I’m called to love. And I have been called to love even when it hurts to leave.
There is a quote that I saw that says “tears are a sign of the Holy Spirits presence,” and I believe this. I have experience God’s presences and closeness since Rwanda in such a new way. I know that He cares for the same people that I do here in Rwanda, and He also hurts when I hurt. Because I now know the importance of what it means to love the people here and the country of Rwanda, I have taken the pain of leaving and I feel it as a blessing from God to be able to experience this.
Even though it hurts to say I am blessed, I know that I am. Blessed to be hugged, kissed, and loved by each of the children in the school. Blessed to hear the beautiful voices of the churches lifting countless praises to Our God. Blessed to have been able to share stories and learn about people’s lives, struggles, and joys here in Rwanda. Blessed to share prayers, journeys, and hurts all together in the One Body of Christ.
So Goodbye Rwanda you will forever have my heart and my love.
