The first three days of training camp felt a lot like youth camp. Jesus was showing up and showing out in people’s lives. We were on a journey to dig out all the mess we allowed to lay dormant in our hearts. We were raw, we were empty, and we were in the perfect place to allow God to swoop in and do what only He can do. (I like run on sentences.) We learned about allowing ourselves to grieve for the different things in life that we may not have been allowed to grieve in the moment of pain. For some it was the loss of innocence, the loss of a loved one, the absence of a father or mother, or like for me the loss of my ability to trust and be emotionally available to people after my last relationship. It was incredible to see God pull out issues I didn’t even know were still issues. My prayer was for Him to show me the areas of my life I needed Him to work out with His power alone.
I was open towards and excited about what God was doing in our worship and teaching sessions. I saw people healed of old wounds through healing prayer and surrendering of control. I’ve always said that my favorite place in the world is in God’s presence. Starting from a young age when alter call would be happening and the worship team would be playing, I would just sit and soak in the atmosphere. I’ve never felt more at peace then when I’m in His presence. I felt myself slowly start to unclench my fists and my heart soften as the Holy Spirit moved.
Once a night for four nights straight I had someone prophetically speak over me. Having a Pentecostal background I understood a lot of what was going on and was ok with it. And even if I wasn’t I told myself to not put God in a box that week. I had 4 people throughout the week come up to me and speak the same message over me. Every time I felt this warmth and overwhelming joy because God had taken the time to seek me out. He had used 4 people to tell me the same thing.
He wanted me to know that He loved me. He loved ME. That’s it. Over and over again until I got it through my thick skull. He said you are beautiful and I love you. The first time I heard these words from a stranger I felt them hit my heart like a brick wall. And then slowly as the week passed and I kept hearing those words “I love you, you are mine, and you are so beautiful.” I felt it begin to penetrate my heart. It seeped in like rain into the cracks of the thirsty pavement in July. It kept soaking in until it stuck. By the time I got to the last person in the week to speak this over me I just smiled with tears and said, “Yeah, I know.”
Camp hit every area of my life in a hard way. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. And here’s what I learned/am learning by God’s grace. I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit.
There was one day that I literally carried a girl over my shoulder up a hill in the rain and mud. That exercise was called “plane crash” I’ll let your imagination take that where it may. Let’s just say I was “mute” and the rest of my team members were either unconscious, blind, missing both arms, a leg, or they had an infectious disease and could not touch anyone. So after that fun little tid bit we immediately went straight into a boot camp style workout designed to make the fat kids cry. (You can’t convince me otherwise. There’s no silver lining to that wretched day.) The point? I’m not quite sure. I walked away feeling ashamed and humiliated in front of my peers. And on top of the horrible day our sleeping arrangements that night were half of our groups stuff taken away, two tarps, some rope, a lighter, and a shovel. We were lead into the woods and left there for the night. But that’s a whole other blog post! At that point you could have told me I was sleeping in mud and I would of done it with no opposition. My attitude was foul, I was tired, I was drained, I was sick.
The take away? That day I had to rely on the strength and encouragement of my team. It was embarrassing and hard to not be able to pull my own weight but I never once experienced a rude remark or scowl. Instead? Someone held my hand. This may not make sense to you, but that innocent gesture was like God kissing me on the forehead. Saying, “I got you. I’m here. You are ok.” Thank you God for being there even when it feels you are the farthest away. And thanks to my friend for holding my hand. Haha 🙂
I can’t tell you how incredibly powerful it was to experience that kind of support. I broke down. I mean it was ugly. I felt worthless and like such a burden to my team in that moment. My coach tried to get me to process my feelings and all I could think was “Get the hell out of my face and let me try to finish another burpee.” (PG version) It was crazy folks. I realize now how much love and compassion was coming my way during that day as I struggled to see the point of it all. I learned that throughout the course of this next year there will be moments where I have to completely rely on others. It was so hard for me to accept that love and support.
God laid it on me that night as I lay on the tarp in the woods, watching my breath rise in the cold air. I could hear my team worshipping in the background. I couldn’t accept support, compassion, and especially love because I didn’t love me. I am unable to see my value because I have believed the lie for so long that because of the way I look that I am unworthy and incapable of truly being loveable because I couldn’t even bear to love myself. ………..That’s tough stuff man. That’s real talk. God never intended me to live this way. He never intended for me to be so far removed from His love. It took me pushing myself to the point of breaking physically and spiritually to realize that I was holding on to a lot of junk.
I’m nowhere near the end of it all. It’s a journey. I am aware of the areas God wants to restore and I am hopeful for the future ahead in Him. During a one on one interview that week I had a mentor say to me, “This next year I want you to remember this moment right here and what I’m saying. Don’t waste the pain, Lydia. Don’t waste a single ounce.” The pain is where the healing begins. When pain begins to well up in our hearts we must ask God to use it as a catalyst to our growth. Let those around us embrace us and carry us when we can’t carry ourselves any longer. It’s a beautiful picture. We lean on each other as we are all carried by Christ.
So now I want to take a minute to brag on my incredible squad mates and squad leaders. I came into this thing closed off and afraid. I can’t thank N- Squad enough for every time someone asked me how I was or gave me a hug. I felt the love of Jesus through you all and it makes me so excited to see what God will do through us next year. Thank you for your support, love, and your friendship. I am so excited to continue to get to know each of you. And to my team, Adopted (AKA Booty Stank) I am thrilled to do life with you for as long as we get to be in this team!
In conclusion, I was a hot mess. I had no idea what to do or feel. Jesus then did what He do. I can officially say I miss what we had at training camp. The atmosphere was unlike any other.
I leave on the biggest journey of my life on January 7th. I’m leaving the comfortable and the normal and exchanging it for the unknown. I want to see miracles and make Christ known throughout the world. I want to love unconditionally and without reserve.
And even when I feel the most alone I will remember I am never EVER alone. He is always with me. He is always with you.
