Open confessions can be one of the hardest things, yet one of the best things one can do. As much as we’d like to let others know how we truly feel or think, sometimes it can be one of the most challenging things to do, especially when it causes some level of discomfort.
When I first began the process of this new journey into the World Race, I couldn’t contain the excitement within me. I was at work the day I got the call that I was accepted. I literally just sat there in my cubicle, letting it sink in for a bit. Some tears of happiness began to fog and water my eyes. I wanted so badly to scream it out for the whole world to know! Now, almost two months into my new journey, I’m not sure how to feel. Am I still excited? No doubt! Is my heart still in it? Definitely! The thing I was not fully aware of was the amount of discomfort I would be going through. Obviously I didn’t think this was going to be a walk in the park, but I also didn’t think things would be this challenging for me.
As an introvert, I’m comfortable with allowing only those close to me into my heart’s deepest feelings and desires. But in the last few weeks, God began to challenge me. He laid it upon my heart to be open, real and vulnerable with those willing to follow me into this journey. I was scared and pleaded with Him that I was not ready. I literally cried out to Him, justifying why I couldn’t. But as I spent more time in His Word and praising Him for this opportunity, He reminded me of a few things I lost sight of. Regardless of what people may think or how they may see me after these next few blogs, He reminded me that He is and always will be by my side. Loving me, gently guiding and protecting my heart.
So, as uncomfortable as this may be for me, I’ve committed to being vulnerable with you all and confess a few things that have been stirring up inside my heart lately. Though these may seem as weaknesses, I can only see them as opportunities for growth in my faith. “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us – they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God love us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5 NLT
Confession #1: Let me start off by confessing that I’m not a blogger, nor good at writing. As college students we’re required almost every week to submit papers to professors for grading. Within a few courses, I gained some confidence in this area after I had a professor tell me I’m a good writer. Unfortunately, it’s a completely different story when it comes to writing what’s inside my heart. I’m nowhere near confident in writing my personal thoughts and feelings for the whole world to read and critique. It is by far one of the toughest things I’m having to overcome. It took me over a month to write my first two blogs, now I’m onto my third, which has taken me another month. I’m hopeful that I will get better in time though!
Confession #2: As much as I trust and believe that God has placed this AMAZING journey as part of my calling, I confess that I’ve been doubting myself lately (you have no idea how much I hate to admit this!). I’ve questioned on how God can bless someone like me with such an amazing opportunity. I’ve doubted that He can use someone like me in helping to further His Kingdom, or even making an impact onto others. Someone who still struggles with self-confidence. Someone who feels so inadequate. Someone looks at her past mistakes and asks, “How can He actually use her!?” Someone who is so imperfect and has many flaws. Someone who questions her knowledge of His Word. Someone who continually struggles with her daily prayer life. Someone who feels she fails to find the right words to encourage others. Someone who keeps asking themselves, “How can The Lord of all, who has all the power in the universe, use little ol’ me to make a change in the world!?” As these doubts began to manifest inside of me, I even began to doubt that others also had the confidence to believe that I could do this. I questioned if others were in fact really excited for me and this journey. The more that these doubts built up, the more I felt the Lord seeking my heart to lean onto Him and His truth. With a heavy heart, I bowed to my knees, surrendered myself and laid these burdens at His feet.
Confession #3: I am fearful of fundraising, and being fully funded for that matter! It’s been instilled in me to work hard for what I want. I was told, if I have goals I wanted to reach; I have to be willing to endure the hard work that comes along with that. So I grew up learning to become independent and willing to work hard for what I wanted. Therefore, as you can imagine, asking people for help is way beyond my discomfort level! Man, oh man, the World Race has been a big challenge, yet it’s only the beginning! Through the beginning phase of this journey, though, I have realized how much God is molding me and has been asking me to step out of my comfort zone (yet again!). Although I’m fully open and obedient to this challenge of asking for help, I’ve been struggling to get an official fundraiser started. The struggle is in prioritizing my time. Everything from work, my last school semester; the next 7 months I have left here with family and friends, and everything and anything having to do with the World Race. As much as I know the enemy is trying to boggle my heart and mind with stress and negativity, I have also surrendered this to Him and fully trust that He will provide a way for all things to work out in His timing!
So, as I sit here laying down these honest confessions of insecurities open for all to read, I admit that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect (no one but Jesus is perfect!) and I will undergo many challenges throughout this journey. So I come before you and humbly ask for prayer. Please join me in praying for not only myself but also my squad mates, who are also going through similar struggles. My prayer is for Our Mighty God to continue to grow us closer to Him; continually giving Him all glory; to guide our hearts in obedience as we surrender to His purpose for our lives; for our continued trust in Him working to equip our hearts to be like Him and selflessly love others; to continually remind us that this race is not about us, but all about Him and how we can be His hands and feet to those lost and broken; and helping us believe with no doubt that He will provide and make all things work according to His Will for our lives.
Thank you for in advance for your prayers! Thank you for also for reading up to this point! I am humbled by your willingness to walk this journey with me. Thank you, also, to all those who have made a contribution in sending me to the World Race! Thank you doesn’t even begin to describe how truly grateful I am for your generosity. To that anonymous donor, you left me speechless and in tears. You brought me hope when I needed it the most! Thank you so much!!!
As one last piece of my heart that I’d like to share with you all, below is a song called “Follow You” by Leeland (featuring Brandon Heath) that touched me to my core. The moment I heard this song, I began to weep (I still cry every time I hear it!). After I knew that God had placed this deep desire in my heart to do missionary work, and hearing this song, I knew I had to pray to know if this was His will for my life. I spent many nights crying out to Him, asking if this life I was living was all there really was. I cried because I knew He knew my heart’s desire and my willingness to serve Him, yet I felt I was on a stand still. And now, can you believe it!? He’s asking me to GO and I’m ready to follow Him!!
“But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus – the work of telling others the Good News about God’s wonderful kindness and love.” Acts 20: 24 NLT
