Quick Highlights: Training Camp for the World Race consisted of 10 days (July 6th-16th) of camping out in the woods of Gainesville, GA with about 200+ young, Jesus-loving, adults (only about 46 of them make up my awesome Z squad!). We experienced odd sleeping scenarios (similar to those that we may experience on the race). We shared different foods from several of the countries that we will be traveling to. We took cold bucket showers (we got lucky if we had time). We got accustomed to the daily use of porta-potti’s. We had numerous sessions ranging from discipleship and our identity in Christ, to the role of the Holy Spirit. We encountered the Holy Spirit through some amazing worship (like none that I have experienced before). We prayed for one another. We accomplished our physical requirements with our travel packs (a 2-mile hike for the ladies and a 18-mile hike for the guys). We even dealt with each others daily sweat, that soon just became a natural scent (haha don’t ask how bad that was!). By the end of it all, I became so comfortable with my natural self (no make up or showers for days) and even adapted well to nature that I didn’t want to leave Georgia.
Going into Training Camp, I really had no idea what to expect. I didn’t read up on any blogs from previous racers about what to expect. Not because I didn’t care to (because honestly I wanted to know everything) but mainly because finding time to sit and read them all was close to impossible for me. So, I went in feeling somewhat blindfolded, not knowing much. I was definitely excited, a little nervous and anxious all at once. I also felt as though I was free from any expectations. Well, oddly enough, I found out later that I had a hidden expectation and little did I know that the enemy would use it against me.
After almost a month of being home from Training Camp, I spent some time reflecting and processing everything and realized that I had an expectation that was a little crazy for me to imagine. That expectation I had deep down inside me was that I would automatically make a connection with everyone on my squad (all 46 of them) and that I would make some new “best friends”. Well that, unfortunately, didn’t happen. I did make some awesome connections with a few people, but I didn’t make a new “best friend”. So, (because we know how well the enemy can be deceiving) a few days in I began feeling a little out of place, seeing how well some other people instantly connected and made a new “best friend”. It didn’t help that I’m already a shy and introverted gal because soon I began to feel myself shutting down. It was as though I had instantly lost all the social skills I had. I, then, began comparing myself to all these young, amazing, spirit-filled adults around me and I started questioning myself and my self-worth (that was where the enemy began his attacks). I felt as though my silent presence was becoming a burden. I began questioning if I even belonged there or what I could do to feel accepted or what I needed to do to meet people’s expectations. Maybe work on becoming an extrovert, I thought. Man, was the enemy working overtime! Slowly, by the first few days I began to hear the first lie:
“The World Race is NOT for you!”
That one hurt.
As much as I tried to be more open and “come out of my shell”, during the next following days, it seemed as though the enemy had a stronghold on me because the lies kept coming and I kept believing them. The next lie I began to hear was:
“You don’t belong here! You’re too weak. You’re not enough and not equipped for this!”
Whoa.
By the time I was returning home from Training Camp (3 days later), I was feeling overwhelmed and confused. I was emotionally exhausted and still questioning all that I had been feeling. It was as if I was wrestling with God and didn’t know how to process it all. I couldn’t seem to find the peace I was desperately in need of. In the last few weeks, I found myself in random places, quietly seeking God. Seeking time alone with Him more than ever before, hoping to hear Him speak to me. Honestly, all it took was finally letting go of all the stupid thoughts that had consumed my mind. It was then that I began opening my heart to close friends about the struggle I had during Training Camp. Slowly, it was as though Jesus took all those burdens off my shoulders! I began to hear God speaking Truth to me through the many sweet conversations I had with friends. He began reminding of who I am and who He’s called me to be, His daughter! I began hearing these words:
“You may be weak and your flesh will fail, but in Me, You are strong!”
“You are enough!”
God is so gracious! Even more friends began speaking more life into me, saying: “You are a true follower of Christ! He lives in You and He will give You the power to overcome every challenge! Seek Him and ask Him to lead every decision of your life!”
YES!!
For many years, before becoming a Christian, I lived my life filling my selfish desires and living in what I call my comfort zone. I did whatever I pleased but also limited it to only what I felt comfortable with. Whether I considered the consequences or not, I still did them. Many of those things I’ve done, I still regret to this day. Things I wish I could go back to and change. People I’ve hurt that I wish could forgive me. Even relationships I’ve ruined that I wish I could restore. These regrets have caused much guilt and heavyness in my heart that I seem to still be carrying around. Regrets that the enemy continues to try to remind me of times that I felt I wasn’t a good person or good enough for anyone. These feelings have been piling up for years and created wounds! Well, you know what? I’m making a bold choice. As much as I have been keeping these feelings bottled up inside and have struggled to open up about them, I’m done feeling this way! I’ve had enough of allowing the enemy to use these feelings against me to make me feel weak or unworthy! I know deep in my heart, the World Race is God’s will for my life and I am not allowing Satan to let me question it again! I may be weak in my own flesh, but by faith, I have the Holy Spirit that resides within me – that alone for me is enough to know that I am worthy and enough.
Supporters: As you read through this blog, I know you may have seen a weak side within me. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with realizing that I, alone, am weak.
“So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT
Ultimately, the purpose of God in our weaknesses is to glorify His power! The kind of power that moved Christ to the cross and kept Him there until the work of love was done. It is in the times of trials and testing that our faith can grow and stand firm in confidence knowing that God will get us through it. And just as He is faithful in everything, He has came through, giving me the strength and confidence to pull through and press forward in Him. This is just the beginning, and I have no doubt He will continue His work in and through me on the race.
My dear Z Squad (mentors and squad leaders included): I love you, all 46+ of you! You are my new family! Thank you so much for loving on me, crying with me, and praying for me. You truly showed me what a loving community is and how strangers can easily become brothers and sisters in a short amount of time. I may have not opened myself up so quickly to you and for that, I’m sorry. I confess that I allowed the enemy to take control of my mind and thoughts that stole the joy from being fully present with you all. The funny and great thing is, we still have a year together to get to know each other and grow closer! We will be doing God’s work together as one body. I couldn’t be more excited for what He has in store for you, us, and those people we will be ministering to in the next year! I cannot wait to worship, praise, and glorify His name with you, Z Squad! Much love!
All: Please join me in continuing to lift up this journey, all the squads departing on September 5th/6th and for those that we will be ministering to. God is going to do some mighty work! Please bear with me as I prepare to leave and am limited with time. I will soon be posting another blog about my beautiful team (Team Parresia) and our first ministry! Supporters, thank you all so much for your generous support, love and prayers! I love you all so dearly!
