As I sit here (sleep deprived) deciding whether or not to get some rest or pour out my heart again, I can’t help but allow these little fingers of mine to type away.
In light of some recent events in my life, I was reminded of why I’m following this journey God has set before me into The World Race. I also realized, as I looked back at some of my blogs, that I may have not explained how God lead me to saying “yes” to this amazing journey. It was then that I decide I wanted to share this part of me.
I have found that in order for anyone to get a better idea or understanding of who I am today, they would also have to know some of my life changing experiences (but don’t worry, I will not go into depths of sharing almost 30 years of my life, haha!). In giving you all a quick recap of my life in the last few years, I will simply say that I’ve been through a lot more than what some may say they’ve gone through at my age. Much hardships and pain have been endured in the 29 years of my life. Hardships from never knowing my biological father; trauma from being mugged one Christmas; heartache from losing my dearly beloved brother; years of being verbally and mentally abused; many years of depression; the loss of friendships; and the guilt and shame of many of my bad choices.
Although, my past has brought much pain and heartache, I am no longer that person that focuses on all that. You see, we are all sinners and so easily overtaken by the emotional feelings we go through each and every single day. It’s a daily battle field. We have a choice on whether or not to stay focused on those feelings that may bring sadness, despair, or hurt. I used to be that person that spent so many years living in those feelings. That girl that spent so many years of her life focusing on her shame and guilt that felt would never disappear. Can I just remind you (or better yet, remind myself), that there is freedom from that bondage!? God is a god full of grace and mercy! His unconditional love overflows with mercy and hope! His love is without limitations or conditions! Can I also say, I am no longer in that bondage (Hallelujah!)! Through His amazing Grace, He has healed so many broken pieces of my heart and has restored my hope in Him. Today, I live to become a bold woman of God, seeking to be more like Him and yearning for more of Him everyday!
As I mentioned, there have been some recent events that have reminded me of why I have accepted God’s calling.
February 14 – Valentine’s Day. Everyone looks forward to this day because it’s all about the love you have for your better half, friends, and/or family. If you asked me weeks before, even days before, if I was looking forward to this day, I would have said yes with a big smile! Well, God had other plans. He began tugging at my heart a few days prior. You see, by some divine intervention that I cannot yet comprehend, I met a guy last year. Not just another guy. An attractive, Christian guy. I say this had to be some divine intervention because please believe me when I say that I was not interested in meeting anyone at that point in my life! After being in a very difficult relationship for almost 6 years, I was far from being open to meeting another guy. This new guy friend I met was different though. We connected so well. He was respectful, genuine, caring, encouraging, smart, attractive, goal-oriented, and did I mention a Christian!? Overtime, our friendship started blossoming and soon we began having feelings for each other. It was difficult for me to try to establish anything after all I’ve been through in my past, so friends were all we could be. Then, a few months later, The World Race happens. He knew this was my heart’s desire and was nothing but supportive and encouraging. I was beyond excited to go on this journey with him behind me, supporting me and encouraging me through the hard times. What I started slowly realizing, though, was how selfish I was becoming! God started revealing to me what I was doing wrong and I started feeling convicted. Yes, he’s a great friend and all but I was not being fair to him or myself. As one of the rules on dating, Adventures in Missions asks that we do not start any new relationships from the time we are accepted on The Race, until we step off the field. I had known this from the beginning. But as selfish as I was, I brushed it aside and allowed my feelings for my friend to overtake me and my main focus. On some off days when I should’ve been focusing on things of The World Race, I’d spend time with him instead. A few days before Valentine’s Day, it was then that God began having me question some things. I didn’t know how to go about it, so I talked it over with some of my girlfriends on my squad (my awesome “Squid mates” haha), who I didn’t know would understand what I was going through. Little did I know that some were going through similar situations! After some time in prayer and seeking some truth in God’s Word, I had to be open and truthful to my friend about this conviction deep inside my heart. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t give him anymore of my time. So ultimately, I threw my hands up and surrendered this friendship over to God. Not because I didn’t care for him, or because AIM was asking me to, but because God was questioning my heart. Since the day God placed this desire in my heart for missionary work, I wanted Him to use me, ALL OF ME, to give Him all the Glory! I would pray that God would equip my heart and take me deeper into His presence, allowing me to do His miraculous work in and through me. But how can I allow Him to do that when I am being a selfish human being, seeking after my own desires? How can He, The God of all Creation, work in me to love onto others if my heart is not focused completely on Him? How can anyone be more like Him, when they allow their natural being to overtake them? I was reminded through this, about the complete surrender I had made to His calling. I was reminded that this journey is not about me, but about the hearts that God will have each of us touch. I simply cannot love them like Jesus does, if I can’t surrender myself to Him! Stepping out into obedience in this situation was tough, but ultimately God provided me with courage and peace over the whole situation.
“…if any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” Matthew 16:24-25 NLT
February 16 – Another Monday back to work, as usual. I went about my day but within four hours into my work day, I get a TEXT from my sister that my brother is in the hospital. My heart dropped in an instance. She mentioned he was wounded from a gunshot to his thigh, but was okay. I was totally caught off guard and unsure how to feel. Sad, of course and at ease knowing he was okay and alive! What a blessing! But once I found out I was the last one in my family to be notified, I was hurt and began sobbing. How could I be the last one to know about this? I felt some frustration during this moment and didn’t know how to feel or think. I began asking God, “What? Why?” I, then, took a deep breath, cleaned the tears off my face and put my feelings of frustration aside. I left work to visit him in hopes of getting a sense of peace to see that he was okay. On my drive there, I was talking to God and asking Him for guidance on dealing with these feelings. When I arrived, I was saddened to see him injured the way he was. I just wanted to squeeze him and say that I love him and it will be okay. I couldn’t even do that for the fear of causing him more pain. As we spent time in that hospital room, I still wasn’t sure what to say or think. Slowly, I realized what God was revealing to me. He wanted me to simply be in the moment, being thankful that he is still with us. Yes, it was a tough and emotional one, but He was asking me to just be IN it and not focus on my own feelings. Through this moment, I was also reminded about the hope of planting seeds! Not only for those that we will encounter on our journey, but even those while we are still at home. For me, that would be in my own family! I had an amazing moment with my sister, that allowed for me to plant a seed! Praise God!! Totally God ordained.
February 17 – I should have been more excited for this day! I was, in a sense, but my mind and heart were so boggled up with so much emotions after the past few days. I was given the opportunity to share The World Race with a special group of women at an event our church that evening. Because of everything that had just occurred, I didn’t have much time to focus on much of what I could say, or what I felt God wanted me to say. I didn’t feel quite prepared. I was nervous. As the event began, I started to feel a little sense of calm after seeing a few of the beautiful ladies from my women’s bible study (they are THEE best!!). As soon as I started speaking, I could feel my nervousness showing through that microphone. Afterward, I hoped I would get quite a few donations. That didn’t go as I hoped. I was too overtaken by my expectations, that I allowed my emotions to show. I was not proud of my reactions, nor emotions. Later that night, when I got home, God started to reveal to me some truths through my time of worship. I heard Him ask, “Lupita, do you not trust Me!?”, “Do you not believe that I am here with you through all of this!?” Oh, man, did that break me! I knew there was some work I needed to do on my end.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24 NLT
Through these last few emotional days, I began to reflect on a few things:
- I’ve acknowledged that the enemy has tried to get the best of me through these recent trials.
- Although I have said it many times that I trust God, I have lacked to fully trust and be dependent on Him.
- As I continue to follow His plans and be obedient, the enemy will continue to strike in any way possible.
- The enemy has continued to pull me into this emotional state and attempted to keep me there, distracting me from God’s plans.
As I began to counteract these things and understanding God in all this, I realized God’s amazing work happening right before my own eyes through these moments:
- Although my life seemed like a mess, God reminded me that He can and will make beauty out of ashes!
- I was reminded about the calling He’s placed in my heart that only comes from Him!
- My desire to fully seek His heart and encounter Him has deepened, yet I want it in an even deeper level!
- The miracle that my brother is alive, given a second chance to life, and will recover! My prayer will continue to be for his (and the rest of my family’s) salvation.
- A seed was planted! My sister was present and so supportive of me at the women’s event. She was prayed over and so loved on. Prayers will continue, that I will see the day she accepts Christ into her life as her Lord and Savior!
So, as I conclude this unexpectedly long blog, I just want to remind you all about the reason why I’ve committed to abandoning everything for 11 months and following the call God has placed in my heart. As you may have noticed in these last few days of emotional trials, God reminded me that I am His servant and that He is my dependence and my Hope in all this! The enemy will continue to lure and attack my heart in directions that may bring me fear and loss of hope, but as a woman of God working to be courageous, I will continue to put on the armor of God every day! ”put on the whole armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the devil” Ephesians 6:10 NLT
Though, I have been struggling with support, I have regained my hope and trust in my Lord! To Him, finances are no figure and He can and will provide! He’s gotten me this far and therefore, will bring me through! I prayerfully continue to seek Him and encounter him in deeper ways, in order for Him to equip me with His hope and love to share and give to the least of these around the world. My heart bursts out of my little body to want to pour love out into all the oppressed, orphans, and widows.
“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NLT
Thank you, Lord, for creating music as a way for us to experience Your Holy Spirit! This song spoke to me so much while writing this (super long) blog. Enjoy!
