I was in the 7th grade when I first looked at pornography. 12 years old. It was late one night and one click led to another and boom; there it w as. At first, I was upset at what I had seen, but part of me was interested and I stayed around. Little did I know that one night would lead to a 5 year addiction.
The next 5 years of my life continued as normal. I would go to school and get good grades, go to church, go to youth group and answer all the questions. Meanwhile I was hiding something that was eating me up inside. I was ashamed of my addiction because I knew it was wrong, and I wanted to stop, but it was more important to me to appear like I had it all together. I wanted to look like the good kid more than I actually wanted to be the good kid. So I kept it to myself. I told myself that I could eventually overcome it on my own. Besides, if nobody knew, then it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Me and Jesus would work it out later on in life.
As I spent countless hours looking at porn, I had no idea the effects it had on me. Looking back now I see that I was on edge all the time, worried about being caught. I was frustrated because I was trying to fill a void in my life that only the Lord could fill. I was coping with stress through pornography and became dependent on it to relief stress. I was lonely because I decided to keep it to myself. All of these things were a result of porn, but most a result of not truly knowing the Father.
Fast forward to April of my junior year of high school. After lots of attempts to satisfy myself through worldly pleasures (which you can read more about in one of my past blogs “Drugs, Porn, and Alcohol”) I finally truly gave my life to the Lord. And from then on, I didn’t struggle with pornography anymore ever. Nope. That’s not how it happened. At this point, I had been addicted for 4 and a half years, and I still struggled, even after I began to really follow the Lord. However, as I chased after the Father more, my desire to look at porn became less and less. In my moments of weakness and regret, the Father welcomed me with open arms. I was convicted, but never ashamed or condemned. And now I can say that I have overcome my addiction to pornography, but not by my own power. It took a group of godly men around me to hold me accountable and a daily decision to pursue the Lord, not my fleshly desires.
So if you’re reading this blog and you’re struggling with pornography, or really any addiction, I want you to know first and foremost that you are so dearly loved by the Father. He does not see you as a mess up or a failure. He does not see you as a porn addict, a drug addict, an alcoholic, or anything other than His son or daughter whom He loves. Secondly, learn from my mistakes. Don’t try to beat it on your own, it doesn’t work. Find accountability, people who are willing to call you higher and to love you through it.
If any of you want to talk more with me about this, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Send me an email [email protected]
