On day 4 in Cambodia, the Lord wrecked me.
Here’s a little background information and a quick glimpse into my life on the Race thus far (vulnerability at its finest, am I right?):
Month 1 in India was a month in which the Lord showed up and changed my life forever. He taught me what it means to live in community, to depend on nothing but Himself, to love others fully, and to let others into my mess. He showed me His love in the eyes of a pastor, his beautiful wife, their two children, and the 11 orphan boys who lived with them. I was confident in my identity in Christ, and I never doubted the Father’s love for me.
Month 2 in Nepal brought an onslaught of new struggles for me. I found leaving India to be very difficult, and I had a hard time adjusting to the spiritual climate of our second country. The enemy whispered lies into my ears that I was unseen, unloved, and unwanted. I allowed him to take a toehold in my life, and my identity became muddy.
Month 3 in Thailand was a refreshing change from the all-squad chaos that was Nepal (living in a community of 50 other World Racers is not exactly the most restful environment). We were in a village deep in the jungle where everyone spoke Burmese and the children sang praises to the Lord unlike any professional choir I’ve ever witnessed. God is being glorified in that village even now as you read this, but I struggled here as well. I found myself feeling unfulfilled and dry. The Father was so faithful and patient to me as He took every opportunity to show His love to me, but in the long run I still felt detached from my identity. In other words, I felt like I had forgotten who I was.
Month 4 here in Cambodia seemed to be just another sequel to the movie of self-loathing and lies from the enemy. His lies began as whispers, but they soon became a deafening roar rattling in my ears. I struggled to “press in” and push through the self-inflicted pain I was feeling, but it didn’t seem to work. I felt like I was a burden to my team, and shame began to pile on shame. “Suck it up,” I thought. “You have no reason to be sad.” I wrote in my journal every day about the lessons God had taught me, but I still felt like there was something not quite right.
The first few days in Cambodia were devoted to getting acquainted with the culture and learning a little bit of Khmer to help us communicate better with the locals. We have been given the opportunity this month to serve as an Unsung Heroes team along with i61 (a team of fellow W-squad racers consisting of 6 solid women of God). This means we are searching for people in and near the city of Siem Reap who are involved in any type of ministry in the hopes of partnering with Adventures in Missions in the future. While we are out in the streets, we have also been given the opportunity to share the gospel through street evangelism and prayer walking.
On day 4, one of my teammates came to me in love and pulled me aside for a one-on-one conversation. She shared some concerns she had about me and my walk with the Lord, and she pointed out some dangerous patterns in my life that had developed since month 1. She told me that she felt like she had not seen the “real Luke” since we were in India.
I reflected on her words, and I found loads of truth in them. I had indeed been the real me in India because I was fully relying on the goodness of the Lord to get me through every hour of every day. I was confident in who I was in Christ, and I was steadfast in my beliefs and convictions. I walked in joy and in obedience to the Holy Spirit, and I spent every hour looking for ways to glorify Jesus. I was the real me. I was living in the reflection of God, and I was content to just be who He created me to be.
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, “Here I am.”
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
Isaiah 58:8-10
Y’all. His light broke through like the dawn and His healing came on me immediately. When I realized that I had been living in the shadow of others for the last 2 whole months, I was overcome with gratitude for the Father. He never gave up on me. He never regretted saving me. He never knocked me in the head and told me to suck it up.
No, He gently led me back to Him like the Good Shepherd that He is.
Today I am choosing to live in the freedom of who God created me to be, and to celebrate the way He formed me. My desires, my passions, and my personal convictions are not worse or better than anyone else’s.
But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay, and you are our potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8
The Potter has formed us with intentionality and purpose, and to appreciate His handiwork is to fulfill our purpose of existence by glorifying Him.
As I sat in my bed tonight, I glanced at my phone and noticed I had an incoming Facebook video call. It was a call from our ministry host in India! I quickly answered and I saw the faces of a pastor, his beautiful wife, their two children, and 11 orphan boys grinning at me on a tiny, blurry screen.
“Oh, Luke bro it is so good to see you!”
I was ecstatic to see their faces, and I quickly ran down the hall to wake up all of my teammates so they could see them as well. We gathered around a tiny phone screen as we cried and exchanged simple greetings in English separated by a couple of words we remembered from their native tongue and several repetitions of “we miss you so much!”
I was so overcome with emotion as we looked at the faces of 15 brothers and sisters that had impacted our lives tremendously. They asked about us all individually and remembered some silly phrases we taught them. We sang a little snippet of a song we recalled from some of our church services in the villages, and for a moment we were back in their home in India. After we said our goodbyes, we stuck around for a few moments to reflect on the beauty of what had just happened.
The Lord spoke to each of us on a deep and intimate level through that one surprise phone call. He reminded us that we are loved and that we really did impact the lives of that family just as they impacted us.
For me, their call could not have come at a more perfect time. My Father came to me in a time when His primary purpose is to restore my identity to Himself. He reminded me tonight that I am His child and I am never outside of His sovereignty.
He reminded me of the season where He revealed Himself to me and changed me. He is calling me back to that level of obedience and adoration of who He is.
He has called his prodigal son home, and I am overjoyed to run back into His arms.
Take heart, reader. He is calling you home as well. The promises in His word are not exclusive to “experienced” Christians. They are not only for World Racers. They do not only exist for pastors, preachers, and evangelists. No, the promises of God are for everyone who is willing to believe them.
Let him take you back to that time when you were on fire for him. I can assure you that you’ll be welcomed home no matter where you are coming from. He is a good, good Father and He will never let you down.
