Control Freak

The other day I was doing my laundry in a bucket and I got to thinking about my future.
 
I started imagining what life would look like when we returned to the States. I pictured a small house in the country, my bed, among other things that seem particularly appealing. Then I started thinking about jobs. I found myself in a vision of stress and worry in a job that God asked me to do, but one that didn’t bring joy. It was then that I started to try to convince God to call me to a comfortable job, one that was completely stress-free and one where I would be happy every day for the rest of my life.
 
I stopped and thought about what had just played out in my head and my spirit felt all wrong. I spend a lot of my time telling people that I will go and do whatever God asks me to do. I truly desire to walk down the path that the Lord lays before me, but I realized that what I am really doing is asking God for a life on easy street. What I really fear is that God will call me to a stressful life. I was trying to convince God that His will was for me to be comfortable and stress-free, that way I was both in His will AND comfortable.
 
This is jacked up.
 
These thoughts were floating around in my mind for a few days, when I finally sat down and started to pray about it all. I was straight with God, after all He does know me inside and out already, I don’t know why we think we can hide our thoughts from Him anyway.
 
I told Him my fear of stress consuming my life. I told Him that I was worried He would ask me to work somewhere or do something that puts stress on me and suppresses my joy. I told him that I wanted to be free.
 
I fired up my Kindle and turned to my daily devotional. Here’s a snippet of what it said,

 
Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
 
God never promises us lack of trouble; in fact he promises that this world will bring trouble. This isn’t a message of despair, but rather the reality that the world is imperfect and full of imperfect people that are bound to mess up.
 
What unfolded next is best described in my journal writing:
 
“Maybe the stress that I’ve felt in life is actually much of my own making. The stress is probably self-induced at some points. I’ve been faced with the fact that there are many parts of my life that I am trying to hold control of.
 
In things like ministry, often times I feel that if I don’t have a part in everything, it won’t go well.
Then there are decisions that Luke and I make. If I don’t give my opinion, sometimes I think the right decision won’t be made.”
 
Luke and I got into an argument the other day about a decision that he made and the fact that I asked him to make the decision, and then I told him that his decision was bad and how I would have chosen differently. He told me that often times I second-guess him and so he finds himself unable to make confident choices in fear I won’t be happy with them.
 
Ouch, it was like a punch in the gut. My initial reaction was defensiveness, but then I knew he was right.
 
I am looking to Luke to lead me, but how can he lead well when I am constantly questioning him and all the decisions he makes?
 
It sounds so stupid to say it, but I think that if I don’t have my hand in things, they won’t happen.
 
Continuing in my journal entry:

“If there are 7 billion people in the world, why do I think that I am crucial to making the world go round? Basically, I think that I am so important that the world needs me to make it happen. Maybe it’s that I don’t trust people. Maybe it’s that I am keeping a record of the times people were idiots and made stupid choices and I want to spare them the embarrassment and trouble.
 
Why do I need to be the rescuer? It’s not Chelsey to the rescue! It’s not Chelsey that is responsible to stand in as people’s conscience. I am not Holy Chelsey who is responsible to affect people and their choices and decisions.
 
That’s the role of the Holy Spirit!!   NOT HOLY CHELSEY!
 
It’s arrogance to think that I have all the answers, all the correct decisions, all the right words.
 
God, you give me wisdom, but it is NOT a weapon. It’s not a reason to be prideful."
 
I’m still trying to make sense of all this. I am still praying about what it all means, for my future, my marriage, and my relationships.
 
I made a list of things that God was speaking to me at the end of this journal entry:
 

 
The truth is, people will mess up and make bad decisions. Luke might make a decision that turns out to be less than perfect. God might call me to a job that has stressful days. The important thing that God revealed to me is that my hope is not in this present world, but in the eternity He has promised me.
 
 In his book Discipleship by Grace, Derek Levendusky describes that “Suffering is an opportunity to become eternity-focused. This life is just a dressing room for eternity.”
 

 
I choose to trust God with my future, whatever that looks like, and to trust that He is enough to get me there. I choose to continue to release my control over my life, and give it to the one who gave me life in the first place.

My teammates and I with the boys we lived with and taught English to this month

                                            Teaching English

                                         Our living space for the month

                                      Exploring caves in Malaysia