I come from a long line of musically talented family. Singers, musicians, music majors and voice majors. My grandma sang in church every Sunday and brought people to tears. The Lord has so graciously blessed me with the ability to sing and for most of my life I have used fear as an excuse to take advantage of this gift. I hid behind this mountain called fear. I let it consume my thoughts and control my actions, make every decision. I hated singing in front of people. The enemy told me that I wasn’t good enough, that they only told me I was good to spare my feelings, that this wasn’t a gift from the Lord at all but a reason to be angry with him. Singing in my room was one thing but put me in front of an audience and I was done. My hands would shake, my voice would crack, videos would be taken but the enemies words were so much louder than anything else. I remember my mom asked me to sing for her one day and I told her that I sang all the time and she said I know just sing for me, I couldn’t do it. The disappointment broke my heart but all I heard were lies. “You’re not good enough, Lucy. Not good at all”. At my moms Navy retirement party I finally mustered up some courage and decided that I would sing one of her favorite songs “Close your Eyes” by Michael Bublè. I replaced the word “babe” with “mom” and eventually looked at my mom with tears rolling down her face and I laughed and said “mom stop” she said “I’m sorry sweetie” and I finally finished the song and by that point everyone was in tears. I think this was the first time I knew that my voice was a gift and not a burden I had to keep disappointing people with. It would have been cool if that’s where the Lord wanted to swoop in and speak truth over me but little did I know He had more growth in store. Throughout high school I sang in the chorus and loved it, my senior year I took musical theatre with my best friend Tyler and got to watch her in the play “The Little Mermaid” she killed it. In my head I asked myself “Lucy why aren’t you up there with her?” Then that pesky little voice came back telling me “it’s because you’re not good enough”. In my junior and senior year of high school my grandma volunteered me to sing the National Anthem for the Marine Corps half marathon, probably the scariest thing I’ve done. I remember every car ride from Fleming Island to Jacksonville thinking to myself “why me? I’m not good enough for this, I was just a last resort” again, just the enemy. After the performance my family took me to breakfast playing the videos they took on repeat. I hated hearing myself. Pointing out every little mess up, every voice crack, every note I missed. In my senior year my grandma convinced me to take voice lessons, my voice coach asked me if I wanted to participate in a competition called “concert on the green” I told him I would. Before my audition I remember feeling confident, I wasn’t used to it. After I sang I remember actually being proud of myself, I waited for the email and eventually received one that told me I had made it to the next round and would need to sing again. I remember this day vividly. It was the day of the second audition and I was sick as a dog, body achy and sobbing sitting at the counter while my mom told me that I needed to stop crying because I would just make it worse. I had also told my teacher that I would audition to sing the National Anthem for my graduation ceremony. All on the same day I had two auditions and was so sick I had to leave school early just so I could rest before. I went to the audition for the National Anthem and completely messed it up. The nerves kicked in causing me to choke on my words and throw my voice out of key, I gave myself a hard time for that one. After screwing up one audition you can imaging the lies that were spinning around in my head while preparing for the second. “Good job, Lucy. One mess up to go!”. The second audition passed and while I was sitting with my family waiting for the results to be announced, already embarrassed because somehow I knew the outcome, I remember telling myself “at least it’s over and I never have to do that again”. I got last place. Feeling very discouraged and giving into every single lie the enemy was speaking, I went home and cried about it, to myself of course because no one else understood the feeling of disappointment that was festering inside of me. Towards the end of my senior year the Lord provided more opportunities to grow in my boldness but instead I let the enemy take the reigns and continued to believe every lie.
Fast forward to month one of my race. We were living in Nsoko, Swaziland and our host told us that he wanted to get together a worship group to help us grow in our gifting’s and allow us to step into new ways of worship. I felt a tug on my heart to be apart of that. For once it wasn’t someone making the decision for me but me stepping into bold faith and realizing that my voice is a gift from the Lord that should be used to glorify His name. Throughout the three months living in Swaziland I helped my squad mates lead worship nights and kind of stepped outside my comfort zone, and for one of the first times believed the truths instead of the lies. In Nepal I wasn’t focused on anything besides how uncomfortable I was and how much I wanted to leave (not a healthy place to be in!!). Now in India I am continuing to learn what it looks like for me to step into more vulnerability and use my gift to celebrate the Lord and to glorify His name. I’m learning more and more about how worship isn’t about me at all, it’s all about our Heavenly Father who deserves all the praise in the world. My squad has been so sweet in continuing to encourage me to step out and use this gift for good.
This blog is just another testimony of how Jesus is continuing to move mountains, kick down walls and chase me down. For anyone who believes the lies of the enemy, just know that the Lords truths are so much louder, stronger and powerful. It took a long time for me to believe them but know that He will never stop being there to tell you how pleased He is. He loves you and He is so so proud of you. Jesus you see straight through me, you speak truth into every lie and you emerge victorious every time. Thank you for every gift, thank you for the courage to be able to use them and thank you for faith that moves mountains.
With love and encouragement,
Lucy Jackson
