Thailand came and went. It was one of the countries that I had been anticipating since even before leaving for the Race. When times felt unbearable and thoughts of being home ran rapid, I reminding myself that my time in Thailand wasn’t too far away. How ironic that once I finally made it to Thailand, I found myself on a plane (well, planes plural) bound for home, bound for America. You read that right, I went back to the States.
After about a week in Thailand, I received news from home that my only grandpa passed away. Once I called home, gathered all the details, and processed what happened, I realized I had a decision to make. Do I go home for the funeral? This wasn’t an immediate yes or no decision for me. Being on the Race you consider the what if’s of life in the States, particularly what happens if someone passes away while you’re gone. Before this moment, I had always said that I would, without question, go home if my grandma passed away, but if my grandpa died, I didn’t think I would – not because I love him any less, but it’s just different. Upon getting the news about my grandpa, my thoughts instantly changed. It hit me harder than I’d ever imagined, and I knew I’d regret missing the funeral and spending that time with my grandma. How could I not go home for the funeral and for my family?
But at the same time, God called me to the mission field, and I need to trust that He’ll look after my family. Luke 9:59-60: He said to another person, “Come, follow me.” The man agreed, but he said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.” But Jesus told him, “Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God.” Verse 61 and 62 go on to show that we are not put our love for our family before our calling to Jesus. Considering all that, how could I go leave the field and go home?
So now you see my dilemma. My friends and teammates all supported the idea of me going home, but I just wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I went to God with it and asked him to make it clear to me. Moments later, I found two good friends (both very much like mentors to me) online. Coincidence? Of course, not. After explaining my predicament to them, they both said nearly the same thing to me …. literally, nearly the same exact thing. They told me that God would use me more that week in America than He would in Thailand. I knew that God was using both of them to speak to me, so without hesitation, I booked a flight home.
The unequivocal next question asked has been, how was it being home? I repeatedly said it then and will say the same now, it was weird. Yep, weird. I felt like an outsider in my own life. Out on the Race, we think about home and idealize being back there. Nearly all of us have said one time or another, “If only I could teleport home for just a few days.” Because, of course, there’s no place like home. Right? Well, I hate to break the news to all Racers out there, but being home is nothing like you imagine. Yes, your family is there. Your friends are there. Your bed is there (unless you’re me, and it’s not because you sold it). Yes, everything you left is still there, but it’s all different. And even more, you are different – so very much different. So your friends are different and you are different …. could it really be anything other than weird??
In addition to feeling like a visitor in my own life, I totally abandoned the way of life I had become accustomed to on the Race. Daily time in the Bible? Nope. Spending time in prayer with Jesus? Nope. Praying for others in the moment? Nope. Obeying God without hesitation? Nope. So here I was at home where I felt so different but at the same time felt so unlike I did on the Race. I was in limbo. Not who I was when I left but not who I am on the Race. As much as I loved being with my family and friends, I was ready to escape “real life” and return to the Race. Life on the Race is God-centered, and life at home is not so much. It’s more me-centered. Experiencing that time at home allowed me to realize how hard it’s going to be to readjust to real life. I’m going to have to be very intentional about having a Christ-centered life. I don’t want to lose who I’ve become out here only because it’s harder at home or because I’m worried people won’t accept the new me.
I don’t want you to read this and get the impression that my time at home wasn’t good because it was. It totally was. God sent me home with a to-do list, a list of uncomfortable, awkward conversations to have with particular people. In that sense, I was obedient. I had those talks, and while they maybe didn’t go as I had hoped, I know seeds have been planted. God will water them accordingly. I can’t focus on anything other than that. I did what He asked and that’s all He expects of me.
With all that said, I'm still excited to be returning home in a few months. My time at home may have felt awkward due to the fact that it wasn't my time to be home just yet. God still has plans for me out here, and I'm sure he'll use the rest of my time in the field to prepare me for life back in the States.
