Thus far my blogs have been more about what I’m learning and asking my readers to consider it in their own life. This three-part blog is different. Brace yourself. I’m fixing to get real with you. Take a deep breathe and try to follow me.
DISCLAIMER>> I’m writing from my thoughts for fluidity and not from my college degree of correctness.
**The Crucifixion:
My TEAM had been assigned, and we had about 10 days of ministry in Thailand before moving into our first true month in Cambodia. In those 10 days, I had a good time getting to know my team and my squad mates. Ministry looked a bit different than ever before, and I embraced that. We chatted with monks and formed relationships with college students. Those chats and relationships further opened doors to present God’s love story. While we didn’t see any immediate changes, those seeds were planted and lives, I believe, were starting their journey to finding God and His unfailing love. We also did prayer walks down a part of the city that was dark and filled with spirits of the enemy. Walking those streets, feeling the heaviness, seeing the faces. It was a new realization of just how important the great commission and prayer is. The intentional prayer times at night for the things happening on bar streets, prostitution, and the people involved in it all was hard. Harder than expected… especially for me considering I saw myself as a prayer warrior before even coming on this trip.
Team time and feedback was strong and growing well. The time my team spent together was always fun and light-hearted. Feedbacks were Spirit-filled and prayed over. We were all stepping out and beginning a process of ministry that was new for all of us. It wasn’t until Cambodia that the true hardship hit.
We arrived and immediately were informed that our team of 5 (plus one leader) was going to be split in half for two different ministries for the month. While we were bummed, God knew what He was doing. In the moment, we accepted it and started our journey with each other – but not really. At my location, an English school teaching using the Bible, a couple team mates and I got close to the students. We got to share God’s love and His love story. Aspects of it were a challenge for me – food, climate, lifestyle, etc. When we did get time with our other team mates twice a week, feedbacks and team time wasn’t really the same. We were ecstatic to see each other, but prayer and God weren’t really our focus. We updated each other on the surface level things – food, climate, lifestyle. We helped them with their ministry since it never really ended being a host’s help for customers. Team bonding off-days were natural surface level time off from ministry. Easy. Relaxing. Fun. Don’t get me wrong, I was being overwhelmed with things God had starting teaching me again. The mountain top time had expired, and climbing down the mountain was no easier than climbing up it.
Learning that time with Him early in the morning (when you NEED sleep) defines your ENTIRE day. Learning that even when you are placed in a religious community, my calling of evangelizing and discipleship is still there. There’s never a guarantee everyone knows the Lord in that circle. Learning that there are talents and passions God has given me that I haven’t used due to not recognizing and accepting them. Learning that God shows Himself through His love, and that love is a universal language. There is no language barrier with love. Learning what praising Him in the middle of a storm – AKA diarrhea, weakness, and sickness – looks like. I could go on and on! Really, I could. There was so much that I was learning personally, but within my team, not much was shared, expressed, or received.
My struggles were MY struggles. My victories were MY victories. My convictions were MY convictions. As I shared my struggles, victories, convictions and more, I started to notice the amount of denial I was receiving from my team. I never knew silence could be denial, but for me, it most certainly was.
**The Three Days of Waiting:
When I realized I was the only one laying my heart out in vulnerability, I recoiled. I stopped putting my heart out there to be denied by silence. Why was I going to keep pressing in when it was obvious to me I wasn’t going to receive any love, support, help, or encouragement in return. Nor was I going to give any because they weren’t sharing with me. I tapped out. Looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have. I wish I would’ve pushed harder, shared more, and not relied on my team solely for my self confidence and self-worth. That was God’s position, and I had placed it on my team. I told myself, “Next month will be different. We will all surely be a team again, and it will change.”
When it came time to pack our bags and head out to Viet Nam, I was excited and pumped. I felt as though I was leaving Cambodia with His legacy through different ways of my obedience to His voice throughout the month. I couldn’t wait for my team to be a team again and pick up where we left off in Thailand. I was expecting so much, and I had waited for what felt like forever to dive back in with them. I was SURE this time was going to be different. I was SURE we all would lay our hearts out and get deep with one another. I longed for the deep friendships of a lifetime I thought I was about to make. This was the month.
Week One: Nothing. Still waiting.
Week Two: Nothing. Still waiting
Week Three: Nothing. . .waiting in frustration.
Week Three, Day 2: Our breaking point.
