Thus far my blogs have been more about what I’m learning and asking my readers to consider it in their own life. This three-part blog is different. Brace yourself. I’m fixing to get real with you. Take a deep breathe and try to follow me.
DISCLAIMER>> I’m writing from my thoughts for fluidity and not from my college degree of correctness.
**Breaking Bread Together:
Wow! It’s been three months. . .I can remember the day I left for the airport like it was YESTERDAY!
Leaving MEM for LAX to leave for THL: As I tossed and turned from 11:39PM to 3:15AM trying to sleep off the anxiety of leaving behind everything and everyone I know for the pure unknown, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was called to go. The ride to the airport was a suffocating feeling of anxiety and nausea. I’m pretty sure I squeezed every drop of blood out of my boyfriend’s hand as we sat together in the backseat for the last time for 11 months. I thank God that He knows me best and put a genuinely awesome lady leaving for the race in the same city at the same time. Without a doubt, I know now that there was a good chance I would’ve never gotten on the plane if she hadn’t been flying alongside me. I stepped into the MEM airport, and I remember the voice inside my head YELLING at me,
“What are you doing?! Are you seriously doing this? Leaving your family? Leaving your boyfriend? Leaving your friends? For goodness sake, you just moved into this new house and your trading in your new bed and own room for a tent and constant community?! Hello???? Are you listening?! TURN AROUND! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO!!”
I chose not to listen to that stupid, deceitful voice of the enemy in my head. . .and I thank God for that! I was seriously functioning the entire time up to the security gate out of the Spirit. It was like I was a fly on the wall watching my mind scream at me while my body did the exact opposite of my mind’s instructions and logic.
LAX was nerve-racking. New people. New journey. It had all begun. There was no turning back at this point. One by one they showed up. And by “they” I mean my squad mates. People whom I’d never met. People that would become family. Getting on the plane to THL was easier than the last flight out. I’m not entirely sure why considering this flight was super long and the real “leaving.” All I know was that with a dancing game to remember names and a short prayer, I knew that my future 11 months were going to be LIFE-CHANGING!
Moving forward to training camp, launch, and Thailand ministry, it wasn’t all I thought it would be. God had been bringing me through so much brokenness the past 4.5 years that I just expected it to continue. I begged for it actually. Sounds crazy – I know. But when you start searching for meaning and purpose in your life, and God starts tearing away the blinders and strongholds, WATCH OUT! Pain and open wounds so quickly turn into praises and victories. I prayed for the valley to be longer and harder, but little did I know that training camp, launch, and Thailand was a mountain top for me. I wanted to be broken. I wanted God to reveal more issues and chisel away more of my blinders and insecurities. Instead, He claimed rest for me. Might sound easy to you, but I struggled immensely. Sitting on a rocky, barren mountain top with God looking back over what He’d been teaching me and bringing me through for the past 4.5 years was like telling a toddler he can have ice cream if he’s well behaved in Wal-Mart. I was constantly tugging and pulling at God. I didn’t want to rest, but by the end of launch, I came to terms with the fact that if I was truly here on this trip for Him, I’d follow Him WHEREVER He wanted to take me, even into quiet, resting moments atop mountains.
Let me just tell you, I wish I would’ve given in sooner. Leaning back on God and feeling Him breath, like a daughter in her father’s lap, was exactly what I needed. Little did I know what was headed my way. Thank God for those few days of rest with Him. And how beautiful of a masterpiece He had begun to carve my life into being.
As the twelve disciples broke bread with Jesus before His crucifixion, I can only imagine their thoughts: We need to do something; We need to stop Judas; You can’t leave us now; Why is this happening; Why have you brought us all this way?!
Actions sometimes just aren’t the answer. Brokenness is good for only a season at a time. Prayer and rest are times God gives us before life gets heavy. Take them joyfully and immediately. You never know what you’re about to face. . .And neither did I.
