Man. This blog is a hard one to write. I’ve hit the backspace button over and over again, starting over again and again. My prayer going into this is that these words wouldn’t be mine, but that they would be from the Lord.
Many of you read my last blog titled, “my freedom,” or you may know it as “gay,” if you caught it before the title change. First let me say, I was asked to change the name and while this bothered me because I wanted to call the sin what it was — I also have identified that my sin also doesn’t identify who I am. My freedom from this sin through Jesus Christ is what identifies me.
“my freedom,” blew up so much more than I ever thought it would. You should know that my reasonings for posting that blog is that we are called as christians to shed light on our sin. We are called to attack, destroy, and ultimately kill our attachment to sin, and obviously while same sex attraction is not my only sin struggle and I still am in the process of killing off my other sins, this was a huge step towards Jesus for me. HUGE.
I’m sure many of you are wondering, what were the reactions of those closest to you? Do you really feel as though you have killed off this sin in your life? Did people treat you differently because they know your deepest sin struggle? Was the aftermath scary? ETC. I am going to do my best to answer these questions clearly as well as point everything back to Jesus, because ultimately this is just as much HIS testimony as it is mine.
As far as reactions go, you can probably imagine, I sent my blog to my close friends/family/and people who I’m under in ministry — because my intentions were not to blind side anyone. While the majority of people were shocked, I was overwhelmed with love from 98% of the people I sent it too. My family has loved me regardless. My true friends have stuck by my side, and the ones who have been hanging on by a thread now for years I haven’t heard from since. While losing certain friends hurts, it has leveled out in the time I now have to spend with my true friends who love me past my sin struggles. I can honestly say the organization of adventures in missions, who I did the world race with, as well as who I’m leading with this summer to Swaziland, loved me so deeply. BYX, the christian fraternity I’m currently apart of at Texas Tech, encouraged me in shedding light on my sin and through the accountability of my brothers I have grown through this experience. My church in Lubbock, Redeemer Church, has taught me so much about what it looks to be a vessel for Christ this past semester and people have treated me no differently, maybe even loved me a little deeper in my time of need. These were all people who loved me so well. They loved me past my sin struggles, just like Jesus does for all of us DAILY. But I am sure you’re thinking, “Logan, what about that other 2%?” The raw honest truth is, I did lose a couple friends. Not even friends who I consider myself distant from, but friends who I’ve had since moving to Canton, friends that I have fought for so hard over the course of High School and since. That was hard. But, I count it all as loss for the sake of the Gospel.
The second question I most often got in the weeks and months following posting my blog, was if I feel if I had truly conquered my sin to the extent I was putting it out there as? And in complete vulnerability I say– I have learned to battle with every sin in my life through this experience. I have learned truly what it looks like to pick up my cross and choose Jesus in the face of temptations. I can honestly say, this sin, same sex attraction has no power over me anymore. I am free. There is no place for shackles from Satan in my life anymore. I am walking in the redemptive power of Jesus Christ. Truly.
This third question, is one I have asked myself time and time again. Are people treating my differently? Do they think of me differently because my sin is one our society separates Christians from? I would like to say that people think of me no differently, but unfortunately that simply isn’t the world we live in. I have noticed people be more sensitive when using the word, ‘gay,’ around me. This sort of bothered me in the beginning because I wanted them to understand that word doesn’t offend me, simply because it doesn’t define me. Sometimes I wanted to take it all back. Go back into my darkness and pretend that no one knew my deepest and darkest sin struggle. Sometimes I would ask myself, “Why did I do this on such a public platform??” or say, “I should have just kept it to myself.” and boy, did Jesus convict me of that so quickly– you bet. It took the conviction of the Holy Spirit for me to realize how truly beautiful and remarkable it is for all people to know my brokenness. I no longer look like the Christian guy who seemingly has his life together, but I look like a complete mess that through Jesus has been made clean and worthy.
The aftermath of it all, was it scary? I can honestly say yes. There is nothing scarier than being vulnerable with people. However, I look back and realize how much scarier it was to be tied down to sin and shame, and I realize how much less scary my vulnerability was. Not to mention, I had an amazing community of people to lean on in this time as well as my Lord and Savior who loved me so deeply through this season. If you ask me would I do it all over again if I was to go back in time, I would say yes. yes a 100 times. Through those chains and brokenness, the Lord brought an endless Alleluia.
To the person struggling with being tied down to the sin and shame::: I love you. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and your shackles can reach the end, where Jesus is patiently waiting with the key to unlock you and set you free. Be bold. Step out in vulnerability. He wants you to be free and so do I. Flee from the enemy, he doesn’t deserve to hold you down any longer. Jesus loves you.
To the 2% I mentioned above::: I love you. I am praying for you. Praying for breakthrough in your eyes to see that all sin is equal. I pray you wouldn’t bring the shame to those who will come after me that you brought to me. I am praying that you would be as free as I am today, He awaits at the end of the tunnel with your key as well.
To the Church of America::: We need to support and rally alongside those who are stepping out in vulnerability. We need to love them with the same love that Jesus loves us with. We were all once dead in our trespasses, and through Him we were made alive together with Christ. Lets be different. Lets love people relentlessly through the hard things.
love you all. thanks for supporting me, and remember I am still fundraising to lead this summer in eSwatini (Swaziland) — so if you feel so led, click the orange donate button on the right hand side of this page. prayers are also needed!!
p.s. some big life updates coming soon!! stay tuned.
-log
