Home.
The concept of home has changed a lot for me over the past year.
While I still closely associate things like consistency, shelter, and family with the word home, my perspective has gradually changed. A few weeks ago I went to Georgia for a weekend to see some of my squad mates. It was extremely life-giving, and I felt completely at home. Surrounded by people; people who know me, [and I mean really know me] love me, and accept every part of me. Home is no longer my dwelling place; in fact, it’s not really a place at all. Home is found within community; community that seeks to love without any kind of hidden agenda. Home is found in the quiet spaces with the Lord-away from the distractions, chaos and bustles of life.
At my squads’ final debrief in Nicaragua, I wrote a devotional on freedom in Christ. I talked about how freedom comes with truly knowing God and allowing an authentic relationship with Him to develop. I used three truths as a basis for my discussion, and looking back, I truly believe the Lord spoke these things over me in preparation for a tough season I, along with others, were going to face with a change of seasons-of being home.
This is what I had written down in my journal:
- Intimacy with God is not determined by our circumstances, and our environment does not dictate whether or not we can connect with God (Romans 8:38).
- Maintaining intimacy with Christ means getting away with Him daily, to sit with Him in the quiet spaces and soak in His life-giving presence.
- God is our ultimate source of comfort, love, and truth, and He cannot be replaced by idols.
Let me tell you, I had oh so many expectations coming home from the WorldRace…
I will find a solid community!
I will start a house church!
I will start a blog!
I will definitely get into a Physician’s Assistant school!
I’ve been home for about five months and I can honestly say almost none of my expectations have come to fruition. In fact, most of them have been met with intense rejection;
…Rejection from a Physician’s Assistant program that I was interviewed at.
…The fizzling out of a relationship I was excited about.
…The unanticipated difficulty of finding and maintaining a solid community.
…The struggle of starting and sustaining a house church without having a community in the first place.
Home hasn’t really looked how I envisioned at all. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve experience some awesome victories and unanticipated blessings-like getting an amazing job that I’m totally unqualified for, the first week of being home. The Lord had a huge hand in that, and it was an incredible burden lifted off my shoulders. I’ve also been able to connect with old friends, rest both physically and spiritually, and just enjoy a new season (especially being back on the beach). Trust me when I say, I have a method to my “writing madness” with this blog.
Nonetheless, I left Nicaragua with huge expectations of what I wanted home to look like. While I believe God totally empowers us to be bold, set goals, and chase after the dreams He places within us, sometimes challenges arise. Sometimes there is a season of refinement we need to walk through. Sometimes things don’t play out how we planned because God has something even better lying ahead. Sometimes God says, “Not right now.” Though that doesn’t take away the sting of expectations unmet, or relieve the blow of rejection, it is truth.
Truth is something we have to learn to rest in, even when our feelings tell us otherwise. Feelings may be fleeting, but truth is always truth- you are worthy, seen, and understood.
I jokingly told one of my friends a few weeks ago: “The theme of my life right now is rejection!” And while it’s a bit pessimistic, the last few months have indeed been a series of rejections in one form or another. While some sting worse than others, they all leave us with the same unwanted feelings- loneliness and confusion. Natural feelings we all battle from time to time. While it’s my usual tendency to want to understand the “why”, I’ve learned to simply trust that God is at work, and He steps in as an ultimate comfort source in seasons of loneliness, struggle, and loss.
Though the past few months have been challenging, I’m ultimately thankful for seasons of loneliness and rejection. Seasons like this remind me that I’m completely dependent on the Lord’s presence; I need to stay connected to my source and rest knowing that rejection has literally no reflection on my identity. Rejection also has no say in my worth; that was settled at the cross.
The Lord has been faithful in this season-redeeming every bit of rejection, frustration, and loneliness I’ve encountered with a fresh perspective. Looking back, I’d now say He’s outdone every expectation I originally had.
Allow me to explain.
I’ve found some of the greatest beauty is in the wilderness.
It’s in the wilderness that God meets us face to face and reveals a bigger purpose, better plan, and lavishes us with the affirmation and affection we desperately crave. These are just a few of the ways I’ve been challenged, loved, and pursued by God through a season of loneliness and many unanswered questions:
- Some of the loneliest days I’ve had since being home have been met with an unrelenting and unexplainable sensitivity to the Holy Spirit; a sensitivity and echo I’ve never experienced before. It’s in those sweet moments of communion with God that He reminds me that He sees what I cannot, and His greatest desire is to be intimately intertwined with me.
- While it’s hard to comprehend that rejection and unmet expectations can be a gift, I wholeheartedly see it that way. I saw home as a means to jump into another season I wasn’t ready for. God intended this season for me to totally, completely, and wholly rest in Him. He didn’t bring heartache, disappointment, and frustration into my life, but He did use those defeats to draw me nearer to Him-to set aside my own expectations and simply abide.
- I’ve developed this new trust in the Lord that I don’t think I had before, and probably wouldn’t if everything I envisioned actually came to fruition. It’s a kind of supernatural peace, knowing that even when I don’t understand, I can trust that the Lord will always turn ashes into beauty. I trust that rejection is a gift, and it’s God’s way of protecting us, or preparing us for something better.
- The Lord refined so many parts of my heart through loneliness. The need for satisfaction is alive and breathing within all of us-but it’s how we feed that need that ultimately defines us. We don’t like to feel like there’s void in our lives or that we’re lacking, and most of us will do whatever it takes to fill that void, even though it can sometimes be harmful or toxic. This was a place in my life I needed refinement; I needed to feel void, to long for an eternal fill, to understand that nothing can satisfy me like being completely known and completely loved by God. No temporary fix, person, piece of enlightenment or achievement can silence the desire to know God and be known by God.
*Takes a sigh because good grief I’ve written a lot and I’m not a writer*
I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have walked through this season with the Lord. Though some days absolutely sucked, I feel more loved, whole, and confident in who I am than ever before. I feel refined and ready for a new season, free from the insecurities brought about by loneliness. The Lord protected me from a path He knew was not best for me as His daughter, and brought me into closeness with Him that cannot be matched by any human connection.
If intimacy with God is His grand purpose and ultimate desire for us and with us, then I have to celebrate the hardships, heartache, and loss. It’s in those struggles that we are more receptive to God’s voice. It’s in the wilderness, when it feels as though we have nothing, that His pursuit of us becomes evident, grace washes over us like a wave, and we’re brought back to our roots.
We are children of God.
Set apart.
Heirs of the Kingdom.
No one or nothing can change what God says about your identity.
In every season and every circumstance, I am content. Even on the most mundane days, or the darkest seasons, I am full; I lack nothing because I am living out of the fullness of Christ who walks beside me and lives within me.
Relationships do not sustain me.
Achievements do not define me.
Opinions do not influence me.
I am fed by the lover of my soul.
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
Philippians 4:12
