Well, it has been about 2.5 weeks since Training Camp ended, and I have been struggling with what to blog about. For a while I thought about doing a sort of half funny/half serious Training Camp Survival Guide, in 11 steps of course. But when I sat down to write, the words just wouldn't come out. In my head I had all of these funny anecdotes and great tips flowing perfectly. Translated to paper, however, they were sloppy and disconnected.
So I began to pray. I asked God to give me the words to say and exactly the right stories to tell. When He did, I refused them. See, He wants me to share one of the personal lessons I learned. I don't want to. It was my lesson. It was my struggle. It is my personal life. But one of the first things you learn at TC is that you must let go of your supposed rights and expectations. While I may think I have the right to privacy regarding this experience, God is telling me that I do not, so I will share,
It was Wednesday evening at TC and my squad and trainers were sitting outside around the picnic tables, the designated T-squad meeting place. We were learning about Listening Prayer and Prophecy, but I was tired. It had been a scorcher of a day, and we had been put through exercises and challenges meant to help our squad leaders determine who would be placed on which team. Above all though, I was frustrated.
You see, for a couple of months prior to TC I had been praying about being a team leader on my squad. It wasn't one of those, "God, if you call me to leadership I will trust in your strength knowing that despite my flaws you will grow me and accomplish your will." It was more like, "God, you have gifted me with leadership and you know it is something I enjoy. Please make this happen." And the truth is, I do love being a leader. Every spiritual gift test I have taken places leadership at the top of my list. What I did not realize before TC is that even though I may have the gift, that does not mean I am using it the way God has intended.
So, back to Wednesday night at camp. I was so frustrated because I felt like I wasn't being given a chance to fully show my leadership skills. So the heat, weariness and frustration- combined with the bees that kept dive-bombing my face- were pushing my ability to concentrate to its limits. Then Carly gave us an exercise: find a quiet place and listen to the Lord. I'm not typically very good at this; my thoughts tend to run amuck. But this time I was determined to hear something. Perhaps God would whisper to my heart words of comfort and reassurance of what I believed should be happening.
I settled at the top of an old wooden staircase that led down to an outdoor sanctuary. It was like a place frozen in time, an overgrown grassy field surrounded by forest. At the center were benches facing a rustic wood cross. With this peaceful image before me, I began to pray for clarity of mind and an open heart. And I waited…and waited…and my thoughts began to drift. As our time of listening drew to a close I had given up all hope that I was going to hear anything. Concentrating more on slapping away bugs than listening to God, He spoke to me. I knew it was God because the thoughts seemed to be placed directly on my heart.
"Leadership is not about being in charge, having power, or glorifying yourself. Leadership is about truly caring for those people on your team, loving them, serving them and putting others before yourself. You may be good at being "in charge", but you have a lot to learn and a heart to develop for leadership."
It was not ideally what I wanted to hear, but the truth of His words resonated in my heart. I began to reflect on my time at camp and recognized situation where I chose being in charge and accomplishing something myself over loving someone and allowing them to help me.
I wish I could say that this made it so much easier when I wasn't chosen to be a leader, but it didn't. I was still upset and cried tears of frustration. When this happened I thought back to God's words from that Wednesday night, and in that moment I felt His Fatherly comfort:
"You need to let go of this, your expectations for what your role was going to be. My gifts to you are not in vain, nor are they given idly. You are not ready yet, but as I promised in my Word, I will carry out this good work in you until I have completed it. Trust me."
So that's what I'm doing now. I'm trusting His plan for my journey on the World Race, knowing that the things He will accomplish and the way He chooses to do them will be beyond my greatest expectations.
