This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife,
and they become one flesh.
-Genesis 2:24, HCSB
Expiration Date
I remember wanting to be a few different things when I grew up: a nurse, a ballerina, a teacher. But there was always an underlying goal, one that I felt was naturally coupled with any career I may choose. It was The Marriage Assumption. Obviously, at some point in my early twenties I would get married. And you can’t forget the main clause of The Marriage Assumption: The Children Prerogative. After a couple years of marriage I would, naturally, have children.
So the work began. Starting in elementary school my girlfriends and I would sit around picking out names for our future children. Sometime in high school I decided that when I got married I would keep my middle name, Anne, and drop my maiden name, because Gibson would never flow between Logan and whatever my new last name may be. During college (when business classes proved too boring and difficult) I majored in history with no real plans for grad school because, “I will only work for a couple of years before I become a stay-at-home mom, so I don’t need a real career.”
But now I’m almost 25 and single, on the other side of the world, and with no real job or husband possibilities for when I return to America.
….Somewhere along the line, the system broke down….
And sometimes I can’t help but feel this sense of panic coupled with desperation begin to creep into my mind. It can usually be kept at bay by assuring myself that everything will come in God’s timing…but then I get on Facebook. BAM! Engagement. KAPOW! Wedding pictures. BOOM! Guess who’s pregnant with baby number 3?!? That’s when all defensive mechanisms in my mind crumble to dust. I feel as if there is an expiration date stamped on my forehead, and the time is rapidly approaching.
In fact, the date has already been changed a couple of times. As a misguided and self-assured highschooler, the date read 5/31/11- about a month after I graduated college. I believe this post-college date exists for most young Christian women, inspiring phrases like, “Ring by spring!” So when that didn’t happen for me, I was given a new date of 5/5/14, because surely I would meet someone and fall in love by the time I turned 25. Then the World Race happened….no dating from the time you commit until the time you return home; roughly a year and a half of my life. Ok, let’s just push that date back to 5/5/2015, and give God an extra year to bring me Prince Charming.
And then you start reading blogs and books about how great life can be for single Christian women, and your well meaning relative tells you that, “So and so is 40 and single and she seems so happy. You should see all the volunteer work she does!” But instead of being encouraged, you crawl into bed and cry because the thought of being 27 and single terrifies you, let alone being 40 and single!
*************************************
To face the future with another who means more than any other is to be loved.
-The Rescuers
Hollywood Influence vs Divine Inspiration
So where did it all begin? How did The Marriage Assumption actually become such an integral part of my life? As I’ve pondered this question recently, I have also spent a considerable amount of time with a sweet little blonde 3 year old named Ella. One afternoon she and I were playing on the trampoline in her backyard. She was wearing a puffy floral dress, the kind that billows perfectly when you twirl, and she began dancing around singing, “I am getting married! I am getting married! To a handsome prince! I am getting married!” And I thought,
“Oh my gosh, it started that young.”
Three years old, and her mind is already on marriage. I would like to push the vast majority of the blame off on Disney and the expectations that their princess stories put on young girls, but the entertainment industry, unfortunately, cannot take the entire brunt of my lifelong issue.
I was not the only person who heard Ella’s song on the trampoline. One of my male teammates also heard her singing, and it prompted him to pose a question during our Team Time that evening. “Can you all explain why women have such a desire to get married and have a family? Why is it so important?” As the five females on our team opened our mouths to answer, there was silence. How do you explain this to someone else? This combination of female stereotypes we have taken to heart, and the reality that, as women, we are actually created with these desires. A fundamental design element of God’s creation of women is that they become one with man and bare children.
So here I am, a mixture of Divine Design and 24+ years of book, magazine, TV, and movie influence. Sure Hollywood has attempted to give females a “bigger” life goal than children and marriage, but (Spoiler Alert!) even Katniss Everdeen eventually gets a husband and two kids. Not having these things, somehow, can make me feel “less than” in life.
But is my life really less worthy than that of my friends who beat their marriage expiration date and now go by the title “Mommy”? And what exactly am I less worthy of by not having these things? Respect? Love? Appreciation? Honor?
Am I somehow less “woman”?
I am utterly convinced that God’s plan for me does not include living with this feeling at any point in my life no matter my circumstances.
Writing this blog has been a labor of love, and the Lord gave me much to say. Be watching out for Part 2 in the next couple of days: An Unhealthy Desire and The Single Woman’s Consolation Prize.
