I am experiencing a harsh reality check.
My head is throbbing because it is filled with thoughts about how many ways this trip won’t happen for me.
My eyes are burning because they are overflowing with tears, drown in doubt, that I can even raise enough money to buy a plane ticket.
This trip may not happen – what a hard sentence to force my fingers to type.
I have refused to admit those five words since I first chose to attempt the World Race. As if, saying those words out loud made it more likely to happen.
The truth is, $17,000 is a lot of money. It is a lot of $10, $20, even $100 donations.
What does it take to raise that kind of money?
Stamina, I’ve got it!
Discipline, I’ve got it!
Patience, I’ve got it!
What I don’t “got” is $17,000…
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am not made for this. Maybe this isn’t what God intended when He created me.
Maybe after graduation I am meant to pursue graduate school, pick a city, find a job, get married, live life.
But something about that picture doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem like me; like the Logan Finley I have developed into over the past 20 years in earth.
It doesn’t seem like the girl who wrote an eager blog post at the beginning of this process, believing wholeheartedly in the promises of God, that He would send her on this trip.
Even as I write this letter to myself articulating my worries and frustrations, I am still hopeful.
Hopeful that I wasn’t wrong! That I was made to meet and serve Gods people. That God did have this trip in mind when He created me. That God will send the money.
Maybe this is the Enemy’s way of distracting me from the possibilities of what may happen if I go on this trip. Who knows?
All I know is, tonight discouragement won the battle.
