If you know me at all, you know that I hate showing emotions. I often avoid deep conversations about my life so that people don’t see me hurting. I become scared that if people knew the messiness of my life they would become distant and uninterested. So instead, I try my best to hide my emotions and put on my best smile to avoid any question that something might be wrong. But, as I sit here in the airport preparing to board a plane to El Salvador , I become overwhelmed with so many emotions.
I am nervous. I’m nervous about leaving my friends and family for a year. I’m nervous that our first host doesn’t speak English, and the only Spanish I know is from early elementary school (and Dora the Explorer). I’m nervous that I won’t know what to do, what to say, or how to help the community I’m serving in.
I am scared. I’m scared that something will happen to someone I love while I’m gone. I’m scared that the enemy will use fear and anxiety to keep me from spreading the Gospel. I’m scared that I will be put in an uncomfortable situation and not know what to do.
But mostly, I’M EXCITED!!! I’m excited to see what the Lord teaches me in this new season of life. I’m excited to see God work in the lives of people around me. I’m excited to see His beautiful creation throughout the world. I’m excited to see how the Lord works through my family as they anxiously follow my mission trip. And most of all, I’m excited to grow in intimacy with the Lord and build community with my squad.
One emotion that I have thankfully not struggled with is sadness. I was fully expecting to be overcome with sadness as I said goodbye to my friends and family. Every time I began to feel even a hint of sadness the Lord reminded me of all the joy and excitement I will experience over this next year. He reminded me that I will make new friends throughout my mission trip and I will have the opportunity to introduce some of them to Jesus!! Although I will miss my friends and family dearly, I cannot wait to experience God in a whole new way over the next 11 months!
As I think about all of the emotions I am currently feeling, I come back to a quote from one of my favorite books, Anything, which says “What a lie she believed for decades-that revealing the broken pieces of her would push people away, push God away!” It’s okay to have mixed emotions about leaving. It’s okay to not be put together and to not know what you are doing. I try to hide my broken pieces and emotions because of fear. I have come to realize the importance of sharing those broken pieces so that others may see Him through me. Sharing them in order to build community and find healing. As I travel over the next 11 months, please pray that I will be bold and vulnerable. That I will share my story in order to help build His kingdom!
