Just over a week ago I left my home. I left safety and comfort and a loving community for the completely unknown. As my departure approached and I said my goodbyes, the most common question I got was “are you excited?!” I wanted my answer to be yes but the reality was no. The reality was that I was terrified and angry and I had completely forgotten why I even wanted to go in the first place.
The night before I left I cried. A lot. Like a lot a lot. I started at 7pm and didn’t stop until 3am when I finally fell asleep. 2 hours before I had to get up again to leave for the airport. A year or so ago I would have been beyond excited to be leaving but now I was seriously questioning it all. Why was I leaving my family? My friends? My boyfriend? My dogs? My comfortable and familiar home? Just before I finally fell asleep I remember praying for peace. The kind that would take all this frustration and fear away.
I woke up and felt numb. No more tears fell but there was an emptiness inside me like no other. Each hug felt like the very last I’d ever get as I said goodbye to my family at the airport. None of it felt quite real. It couldn’t be happening, I wasn’t ready.
The airplane ride was long and I continued to pray for peace. The horrible feeling of panic inside me had stopped but I still didn’t feel good. I still didn’t remember why I had wanted to do this. Why God had called me out of the familiar.
Things got better once I was surrounded by my squad again. We all struggled together now. Sharing our fears and reminding each other of the reasons we’re here. That God would use us in ways we could never imagine. There was still something missing. I still wasn’t at peace.
We had a few days for final training and all through this I continued to pray for God to do the work in me that would get me to peace. Everything in me wanted to be happy, the dream was coming true. But it was so hard to leave, how could anything good come from something so painful.
When our departure as a squad arrived, I felt a release from all the stress. Everything that had lead up to this moment was released and God granted me peace. I felt free and excited and ready for all that was to come. Our travel days were long as we flew to San Francisco to China to Cambodia then bussed to where I’m staying now in Battambang.
Throughout our travel days I remained at peace. In San Fransisco we were able to explore the city during our 17 hour layover. Not only did I get a glimpse of the Golden Gate bridge after riding a trolley, but I got to spend some time in the tenderloin district which contained more crime and homelessness than I had ever seen in any place before. Even as I walked through such darkness I had no fear. God had granted me such peace in knowing that He is in control.
Now I’m here in Battambang and so in love with this place and its people. As I walk down the streets little children run from their homes to say hello to me and my squad. I walk these streets of crazy traffic with confidence like I’ve lived here my whole life. This place has become my home. Not because I have any of the comforts I knew before but because I am where God has placed me and He has made me fully alive in Him. I have no fear of what is to come because of the peace He’s provided. I am sure that as time goes on I will continue in awe of my most powerful Gods provisions.
