It’s been one year. One full year back in Canada. 365 days since I stepped off my final flight with Gap K. Looking back on those 24hrs of ending and starting, there were so many emotions that I truly didn’t know what to do with. Holding the grief of the ending season, filled with so much joy, beauty and growth. While carrying the anticipation of what was to come, a long-awaited reunion. I remember all the tears through the smiles, the in-between time of going and coming. I listened to 1 song on repeat the whole flight home. P E A C E by Hillsong Young & Free. Desperately trying to remind myself that He was in it all, even if it didn’t feel like it. That He would be with me in this new season just as much as he was the last.
This year has been a year full of growing pains. Coming home I knew it would be hard. I just didn’t realize how long it would be hard. It’s still hard. The growth I experienced on the race still isn’t over. One year later I’m still processing and realizing. I’m still remembering and feeling all the things I didn’t have the time to feel in those moments. I’ll be honest, I’m often incredibly frustrated with how little I can fit in my schedule. How tired I am constantly. But that’s part of the growing pains, my mind is still adjusting and processing. I’m constantly having to be reminded that feeling this exhausted is normal after years of chasing more.
The nice thing about one year later is that I’m a little less tired. I’ve been given this gift of a year to rest. And it’s taken me the whole year to finally be able to look back and see all the growth that took place in the stillness. This year was anything but stagnant. It was full of new challenging, beautiful, experiences. I’m thankful for all of it.
I spent a good majority of my year in a pub. I was hired as a server there last July and I’ve spent at least 25hrs a week in the pub’s walls. That in itself has been one of my greatest challenges. After a year of changing ministries every couple of months, willfully staying in one place for this whole time has been a hard fought battle. But because I stood my ground and fought hard for it, I’ve built some of the most beautiful connections. I have no doubt that God skillfully and purposefully placed me here for reasons far beyond what I can see. I’ve fought some of my hardest spiritual battles here. I’ve fought for relationship here. For respect and safety. If last year taught me anything it’s that the mission field is anywhere and everywhere. And what better place than where brokeness reaches out for ease? The bar has heard some of my best conversations. Of learning and understanding, building trust and respect. I truly do believe this is right where Jesus himself would have been. Listening to stories, asking questions, seeing people and really knowing them. And these people aren’t my ministry, they’re my friends. I’ve grown to love them all deeply, just like Jesus does. And for the chance to know these incredible people I’m so honoured.
Another good amount of my time has been spent in solitude. I hate solitude. Or at least I used to. I still don’t particularly enjoy being alone for extended periods of time nor would I choose it for myself. But having an opposing work schedule to the rest of your house will do this for you. However, this has been a blessing in itself. I’ve spent hours thinking, listening and sitting with my Father. We’ve grown closer than ever as my main source of companionship through these lonely days. In this time He’s spoken so much truth over me. We’ve dreamed up some pretty wild dreams for my future together, we’ve cried and laughed together, He has eased my aching heart when all I want is to be back doing life on the race, and He’s promised so much good for what’s ahead. I’ve grown to crave and adore our hours together. Because really, what better teacher and friend is there? There isn’t. My Jesus has been faithful every single time.
Not only has this year been spent processing the race, but my life before it. The years before the race were a whirlwind of hurt and fear and redemption. Jumping onto the mission field right after high school didn’t give me much time to breathe or realize the impact of all that took place within my family. Coming home a week before the adoption was finalized sparked a whole new wave of wonder and relief. I’ve since spent a whole lot of time trying to grasp all of that as well. Relearning my childhood with new perspectives. Growing from it instead of hiding from it. It’s been painful, to say the least, but it’s been a necessary step forward as I take on my title as a daughter and servant of the Almighty King.
Weaved through all of this was time spent growing in community with a powerful people of God. I spent time each week surrounded by 17 young eager faces. My sweet small group of grade 6 girls stretched me in new and wonderful ways. They supported me and challenged me and I had the honour of watching them grow. This chance to lead them is one that I don’t take for granted. I love that I get to continue to lead them in their faith journey. And I’m thankful to be surrounded by such fierce and dedicated co-leaders. Each one a piece of the Father’s heart. My time spent with them has pushed me into deeper intimacy with the Lord in ways I can’t fully express. I’ve been blessed with a family whose faith runs deep and strong. Getting to relearn my family, my friends and church, building new relationships in these places, it’s given me the strength I need to keep pressing on. In good days and bad.
When I came home, I was honestly terrified. I was scared of rebecoming who I once was and losing sight of who God had made me to be. I was scared of losing sight of my passions and my calling. But, as always, His faithfulness is infinite. Little reminders have surrounded me throughout my time at home, pushing me forward into who I’m becoming. This year hasn’t been a step back, but a steady step forward. It’s taught me so much courage and strength. I’ve grown to embrace my feelings not run from the hard ones, I’ve learned to walk in authority and be assertive when all I want to do is run and hide, I’ve felt the fire deep inside me burn hotter as I run closer to the Father’s heart.
To those of you who stood by me through this year, thank you. You kept me planted when I felt like running away. I’m better for it, I’m better because of you. Although this year wasn’t all I wanted it to be, it was exactly what I needed. It’s been a year. It’s been a long hard year. But I wouldn’t trade any of it for where I am now and where I’m headed.
